So a thought occurred to me today that many people who read this blog or who are acquainted with me may not fully understand a serious problem that is occurring in this nation. That problem occurs in many relationships and sometimes it is covered up by partners for the sake of keeping a relationship alive when, in reality, the relationship has some serious problems that must be addressed. It is the root issue as to the reason why I am divorced today. That problem? Verbal/Emotional abuse.
About six months ago I purchased a book and found solace in knowing that what I believed to have been happening all along was TRULY a problem and I had not ended a marriage for nothing. So today I would like to address a few of the tell-tale signs that you are being verbally or emotionally abused.
The bottom line, the abuser, whether verbal or emotional, is having to be in control. And the abuse can be evident without a word being spoken. Whether it's by a degrading look, threatening behaviors, obscene gestures, abuse will cut and it painful.
Verbal abuse is "the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words or of a sharp tone in an attempt to control or dominate another person." (Verbal and Emotional Abuse, June Hunt, p. 13) When a person, male or female, feels the need to make themselves larger in stature, raise their voice or put another person down, this person is exhibiting abusive tendencies. I was resigned to being dominated in a way that always made me feel I had less worth than I actually had. I didn't know any better. It's very sad that it took leaving to fully understand the depth of the hurt caused immediately and the after-effects caused for years to come.
Here's the thing, and I am vouching for several family members who have also gone through many of the same painful experiences that I have, until you are totally removed from the situation you cannot fully comprehend the situation. So many, too many women (and a few men) remain in verbally abusive relationships not even being aware that it is considered abuse. And furthermore, when you add on to all of this the aspect of Christianity and trying to incorporate Biblical principles into the mix, we can get quite confused!
So what to do? Well, I wish someone would have advised me, years ago, to do some soul searching into who I was in Christ, and not factoring in a "significant other." Had I seen how the Lord views me, not base my self-worth on how my husband viewed me, I would have seen that there were many inconsistencies. I don't have any more answers now than I did over three years ago, I just wish that those still in situations as I was, would be able to more clearly see that their worth in the Lord should be more important to them than trying to live with the verbal abuse of a mere person who must put others down in order to lift themselves up to a level of more importance.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Curious thought -
We all, in our sick, demented and twisted minds want everyone to be and think just like us.
True, we know that is silly when we actually dwell on it, but seriously….wouldn’t it be so much easier in life to have everyone just like us?
I mean, we wouldn’t have to explain ourselves on a consistent basis.
We would never be misunderstood.
It would spare us so much frustration in the fact that others didn’t like what we liked and didn’t like the things that we don’t like.
Why is it that even though we know this can never be, why do we continue to force out beliefs, views, opinions on others, and frustrate ourselves beyond belief?
And let’s look at it from the other side. Who do we allow into our own little belief system and give them access to the control knobs of our views and opinions?
We must be very careful who we conform our system to, because at some point we will be adamantly defending a belief as ours, and we must be sure we have owned it, and not just claimed we own it. Because once we get to the point of defending a point of view, we cannot possibly understand how deep our defensiveness will run into the other person. Are we willing to risk changing another person for a cause we are not totally prepared to own as our own?
Am I the only one that thinks this way? Please tell me "no" because if I am the only one, that makes me what? Crazy?
We all, in our sick, demented and twisted minds want everyone to be and think just like us.
True, we know that is silly when we actually dwell on it, but seriously….wouldn’t it be so much easier in life to have everyone just like us?
I mean, we wouldn’t have to explain ourselves on a consistent basis.
We would never be misunderstood.
It would spare us so much frustration in the fact that others didn’t like what we liked and didn’t like the things that we don’t like.
Why is it that even though we know this can never be, why do we continue to force out beliefs, views, opinions on others, and frustrate ourselves beyond belief?
And let’s look at it from the other side. Who do we allow into our own little belief system and give them access to the control knobs of our views and opinions?
We must be very careful who we conform our system to, because at some point we will be adamantly defending a belief as ours, and we must be sure we have owned it, and not just claimed we own it. Because once we get to the point of defending a point of view, we cannot possibly understand how deep our defensiveness will run into the other person. Are we willing to risk changing another person for a cause we are not totally prepared to own as our own?
Am I the only one that thinks this way? Please tell me "no" because if I am the only one, that makes me what? Crazy?
Monday, November 4, 2013
How does it feel to give birth to a child and give him/her up? What kind of woman does that? Does she have any compassion at all? Does she, can she love her child?
I am getting more and more pissed off at people who make callous assumptions and jump to completely false conclusions, based on what? Their own thoughts? Their own skewed philosophies or convictions?
Let me start with an example. Did the Lord or did He not, create each and every person that has and ever will live on this earth? Doesn’t He fashion each person and lovingly design their personality and being? And doesn’t the scripture say that He “knew” from the beginning of (and before) creation? Wasn’t this an act of a loving God? And yet when He placed each of us on this earth does He force us to love Him in return? Or even force us to acknowledge Him as Savior and Creator? How it must break His heart when we go our own way and never acknowledge Him as Abba Father, even though He entrusts each of us into the care of a frail parent….one that WILL fail.
So let’s return to the question at hand. What kind of woman gives up a child for ANY reason? I’ll tell you. One who LOVES her child and wants the best for him/her, knowing she is not able for one reason or another to do so herself. Now I am NOT saying that that EVERY case is like that. There are some who don’t love, don’t have the capacity to love. But the majority of mothers have more or less nine months to think about, pick apart every angle of the decision we need to make.
I have been accused of abandoning my children, although technically only one was a “child.” I take issue with that statement because the assumption was made without all the facts - or possibly they had all the facts but refused to believe because their pride tells them that they MUST be right. Conclusions were made falsely.
Here are the FACTS. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t try to contact them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t care about their future. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t ache every day, wanting to be in their company every day. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t write them letters and is not able to send them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t tear up every time she hears their name spoken. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t pour over photo albums that are YEARS old because she has nothing current because the children refuse to send updated ones to her. And finally, a woman who abandons her children doesn’t sit around agonizing over every decision she ever made when it concerns her children, knowing deep down that she did everything she possibly could to be the best mother to the three people she loves more than anything else on earth.
I do not claim to know the Lord’s heart, but I know He feels my pain and hurt, because He Himself knows my suffering. He gave up His children and desires that each one returns to Him, willingly and humbly, knowing that He loves them more than anything else in the world. But He will not force His love on them. I fail at this, but I will strive harder to do the same. I will just continue to pray and trust that the Lord knows the best way.
So, did I set the record straight for some of you? Did I show you in a sufficient a way for you to comprehend? I did NOT abandon my children. In a moment of self-preservation I left a bad situation, but it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make.
I am getting more and more pissed off at people who make callous assumptions and jump to completely false conclusions, based on what? Their own thoughts? Their own skewed philosophies or convictions?
Let me start with an example. Did the Lord or did He not, create each and every person that has and ever will live on this earth? Doesn’t He fashion each person and lovingly design their personality and being? And doesn’t the scripture say that He “knew” from the beginning of (and before) creation? Wasn’t this an act of a loving God? And yet when He placed each of us on this earth does He force us to love Him in return? Or even force us to acknowledge Him as Savior and Creator? How it must break His heart when we go our own way and never acknowledge Him as Abba Father, even though He entrusts each of us into the care of a frail parent….one that WILL fail.
So let’s return to the question at hand. What kind of woman gives up a child for ANY reason? I’ll tell you. One who LOVES her child and wants the best for him/her, knowing she is not able for one reason or another to do so herself. Now I am NOT saying that that EVERY case is like that. There are some who don’t love, don’t have the capacity to love. But the majority of mothers have more or less nine months to think about, pick apart every angle of the decision we need to make.
I have been accused of abandoning my children, although technically only one was a “child.” I take issue with that statement because the assumption was made without all the facts - or possibly they had all the facts but refused to believe because their pride tells them that they MUST be right. Conclusions were made falsely.
Here are the FACTS. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t try to contact them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t care about their future. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t ache every day, wanting to be in their company every day. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t write them letters and is not able to send them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t tear up every time she hears their name spoken. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t pour over photo albums that are YEARS old because she has nothing current because the children refuse to send updated ones to her. And finally, a woman who abandons her children doesn’t sit around agonizing over every decision she ever made when it concerns her children, knowing deep down that she did everything she possibly could to be the best mother to the three people she loves more than anything else on earth.
I do not claim to know the Lord’s heart, but I know He feels my pain and hurt, because He Himself knows my suffering. He gave up His children and desires that each one returns to Him, willingly and humbly, knowing that He loves them more than anything else in the world. But He will not force His love on them. I fail at this, but I will strive harder to do the same. I will just continue to pray and trust that the Lord knows the best way.
So, did I set the record straight for some of you? Did I show you in a sufficient a way for you to comprehend? I did NOT abandon my children. In a moment of self-preservation I left a bad situation, but it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Day 4
It was brought to my attention that my last post was vague, and in that it may have spawned some imaginations to run where I never intended them to. So…please allow me to clarify a few points.
In being brought up in a Christian and military home, there were many things that I taught were “wrong.” And as a teenager I lived by these rules because I knew that my parents loved me and only wanted the best for me. I understand that some things may seem over-the-top for some of you, but for others these guides are something you may have grown up with as well. I was taught that drinking and smoking harmed the body, so I avoided them. I was taught that using foul language was not a good reflection on myself, the Lord, or my parents. So I refrained from using foul language, although there were MANY times I may have wanted to. I was taught to act like a respectable young lady, and that flirting was not respectable. I was not to ever call a young man, because that showed desperation. A godly young woman did not do things to draw attention to herself in any way.
All that being said, in my last post I mentioned doing things to get a young man’s attention. In my naïveté I thought everyone thought like I did/do, but apparently I didn’t understand that in expressing some thoughts, they might be misconstrued as something much more deviant. I do not want people thinking or believing that I was promiscuous or that I had a secret life where I somehow rebelled against everything I was taught. It was not that at all.
Ok…let’s start again. There was a certain young man that I liked and I wanted his attention. OK, let’s get real here. There were several young men that I liked in high school and tried to get their attention. But this particular fellow had my eye from the get-go. I didn’t know how to behave so I started watching what the other young ladies were doing and how they seemed to be acting. I started flirting with this young man. I went so far as to find out his telephone number and secretly called him at home. Needless to say, when my mother discovered I was calling a young man, I got an earful of scolding! It deterred me - but only for a little while. I just got better at hiding things from my parents. I would call when they were out of the house. I would flirt, shamelessly, while at school. This was NOT who I was raised to act like. I was not the kind of person to rebel against my parents. I was not the kind of person to hide my thoughts and feelings from people. I was not raised to put my desires and intentions “out there” to be trampled on by those who didn’t know how tender my heart truly was.
So, back to yesterday’s post. When I said that views became skewed, I meant that I started acting, to what I knew to be right, shamefully. And I am ashamed. Because those actions when I first started high school continued throughout high school. I got better and better at blurring the lines, and, before long, I was calling the boys that I liked all the time, not caring what my parents thought. I flirted all the time, and that caused me to think things that I knew I shouldn’t - not until I was much older and married! (Yes, I am somewhat of a prude.)
Do you want to know something interesting? All the things that I did to get the attention of guys? Never really worked. In fact one guy actually told me that he never found those actions appealing. Why did he wait until senior year! Oh well. And the original young man whose attention I so desperately wanted? Never got it. Not until graduation day. Then it was too late. And I am biting my tongue even now so that I won’t mention his name because I am so embarrassed. He has likely moved on as has everyone else from 30 years ago! Most of the guys from high school probably haven’t even given me a second thought through the years, and that is just fine with me. Why? Because that girl in high school was young and stupid. I don’t want them to remember that person. I would love for everyone to meet the REAL me. The one who is confident in herself. She is secure in her position in the Lord and won’t compromise her values for someone. She values those traditional values that her parents taught her so many years ago and no longer sees them as moot. She “knows” things. She no longer thinks she “knows it all.”
Hopefully this clears up any confusion anyone might have had.
And, by the way, all these remembrances of high school are interesting. I looked through my senior yearbook and realized that I was so wrapped up in myself and trying to be someone other than myself that I really had very few friends. Sad.
It was brought to my attention that my last post was vague, and in that it may have spawned some imaginations to run where I never intended them to. So…please allow me to clarify a few points.
In being brought up in a Christian and military home, there were many things that I taught were “wrong.” And as a teenager I lived by these rules because I knew that my parents loved me and only wanted the best for me. I understand that some things may seem over-the-top for some of you, but for others these guides are something you may have grown up with as well. I was taught that drinking and smoking harmed the body, so I avoided them. I was taught that using foul language was not a good reflection on myself, the Lord, or my parents. So I refrained from using foul language, although there were MANY times I may have wanted to. I was taught to act like a respectable young lady, and that flirting was not respectable. I was not to ever call a young man, because that showed desperation. A godly young woman did not do things to draw attention to herself in any way.
All that being said, in my last post I mentioned doing things to get a young man’s attention. In my naïveté I thought everyone thought like I did/do, but apparently I didn’t understand that in expressing some thoughts, they might be misconstrued as something much more deviant. I do not want people thinking or believing that I was promiscuous or that I had a secret life where I somehow rebelled against everything I was taught. It was not that at all.
Ok…let’s start again. There was a certain young man that I liked and I wanted his attention. OK, let’s get real here. There were several young men that I liked in high school and tried to get their attention. But this particular fellow had my eye from the get-go. I didn’t know how to behave so I started watching what the other young ladies were doing and how they seemed to be acting. I started flirting with this young man. I went so far as to find out his telephone number and secretly called him at home. Needless to say, when my mother discovered I was calling a young man, I got an earful of scolding! It deterred me - but only for a little while. I just got better at hiding things from my parents. I would call when they were out of the house. I would flirt, shamelessly, while at school. This was NOT who I was raised to act like. I was not the kind of person to rebel against my parents. I was not the kind of person to hide my thoughts and feelings from people. I was not raised to put my desires and intentions “out there” to be trampled on by those who didn’t know how tender my heart truly was.
So, back to yesterday’s post. When I said that views became skewed, I meant that I started acting, to what I knew to be right, shamefully. And I am ashamed. Because those actions when I first started high school continued throughout high school. I got better and better at blurring the lines, and, before long, I was calling the boys that I liked all the time, not caring what my parents thought. I flirted all the time, and that caused me to think things that I knew I shouldn’t - not until I was much older and married! (Yes, I am somewhat of a prude.)
Do you want to know something interesting? All the things that I did to get the attention of guys? Never really worked. In fact one guy actually told me that he never found those actions appealing. Why did he wait until senior year! Oh well. And the original young man whose attention I so desperately wanted? Never got it. Not until graduation day. Then it was too late. And I am biting my tongue even now so that I won’t mention his name because I am so embarrassed. He has likely moved on as has everyone else from 30 years ago! Most of the guys from high school probably haven’t even given me a second thought through the years, and that is just fine with me. Why? Because that girl in high school was young and stupid. I don’t want them to remember that person. I would love for everyone to meet the REAL me. The one who is confident in herself. She is secure in her position in the Lord and won’t compromise her values for someone. She values those traditional values that her parents taught her so many years ago and no longer sees them as moot. She “knows” things. She no longer thinks she “knows it all.”
Hopefully this clears up any confusion anyone might have had.
And, by the way, all these remembrances of high school are interesting. I looked through my senior yearbook and realized that I was so wrapped up in myself and trying to be someone other than myself that I really had very few friends. Sad.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Day 3
Envy and jealousy are interesting foes. We have all dealt with them at one time or another, haven’t we? Today I want to focus on the object(s) of that envy. This is going to be really tough for me because I am going to be laying my soul open for criticism. But may I ask a favor? Please examine my reasoning before judging me too harshly. We all have our sins and we have to answer to the Lord for those sins. I have accepted forgiveness for these, but at the same time I need to learn from my mistakes. Maybe in the next few minutes you will be able o examine your own life and allow my struggle and lessons help you to heal a bit.
I have had struggles with jealousy for about…..well, for always, I suppose. When I was but a small child I remember wanting to be the center of attention in my class. I was jealous for attention. I wanted to have the best grades and have the teachers “see something special in me.” I was jealous for their favor. I would go to school and can remember having jealous thoughts of the nicer clothes that they wore. My parents struggled most of their lives, as I am sure many parents did back then. Mom would, many times, give up something she wanted or needed in order for me to have the best that money could buy, but to me, as a child, that never seemed to be enough.
I grew to be a teenager, and those feelings of envy followed me all the way to Kentucky! Now I found myself the “new girl” and I am trying to find my “niche” but it is difficult to do when so many people in the school have grown up and lived in the same area and go to school together. But I make an attempt nonetheless. My jealousies flare because I cannot seem to garner the attention of those that I want to become friends with. I am jealous of their friendships. And here is where I begin my dangerous journey. When a teenager attempts to find favor with people, they do things that they either know are wrong or they give up being “themselves” and try to be someone else that they believe will draw attention to themselves. I did both. And the result lasted me until I was well into my early forties.
I remember there was a young man that I really liked and I really wanted him to notice me. I started doing things that I knew to be skewed from what I was taught to believe was correct. But I knew it did get his attention. I loved that. But then again, I knew, deep down it was wrong. I was slowly melding into someone who compromised her values because she was jealous for the attention of someone. This behavior continued throughout my high school years and I found myself having lots of friends, but nobody knew me that well. My jealousy for friends caused me to begin lying to my parents so that I could “measure up” to what my “friends” at school had and did. And because of that I never truly gave 100%. Now, some of you are scratching your heads and wondering what planet I come from, while others know exactly what I am talking about. I applaud those of you who don’t understand. Why? Because you are probably the ones who stayed true to yourselves and made some lifelong friends in the process. You are the ones who never were jealous because you had the very thing I and a few others didn’t have - security.
I graduated and moved on, got married, had children, moved out of the area and started living my life, and realized I was STILL jealous! I had a husband, money, family, and a rich life, but I still felt I didn’t have enough. Why do you suppose that is? I think I now know. I wasn’t being true to myself. I was jealous of those who were content. I had always wanted more. I was jealous of those that had formed life-long friendships. I had no lasting friendships. I was jealous of those who were in Kentucky and liked it. I had moved around so much and thought that was what I wanted. I realized it was not what I, indeed, wanted. I was still jealous of the very same things I was while younger,
So here I am again, looking backwards. I wonder where I went wrong. I wonder what I lacked. I wonder why I could never get what I THOUGHT I wanted. Well, some of you may have already figured this out, but it took me all this time to see it…I was insecure. I gave up being myself way back then and I “lost” my identity - my true identity. I had tried to be someone I wasn’t and gave up some good, life-lasting friendships. (Or at least I believe that to be true now.) I see that my “style” was never going to please everyone, and I find that those who were secure in that area all along are doing just fine! The guys that I tried so desperately to get the attention of, well, they may or may not have liked the real me. And in trying to be someone else I MAY have missed opportunities of getting to know some really great guys.
So, I find myself looking back at my high school years and having regrets. Regrets about being jealous when there was no call to be. I regret not trusting in the God Who created me to be myself, but instead trying to be what I thought was what I needed to be. I regret not allowing so many people in high school a chance to get to know the real me. I am so very sorry that I didn’t give you that chance. I am so sorry for not giving myself a change. Please forgive me and know that I am secure enough in myself now that I can be contented with whatever our futures hold.
Envy and jealousy are interesting foes. We have all dealt with them at one time or another, haven’t we? Today I want to focus on the object(s) of that envy. This is going to be really tough for me because I am going to be laying my soul open for criticism. But may I ask a favor? Please examine my reasoning before judging me too harshly. We all have our sins and we have to answer to the Lord for those sins. I have accepted forgiveness for these, but at the same time I need to learn from my mistakes. Maybe in the next few minutes you will be able o examine your own life and allow my struggle and lessons help you to heal a bit.
I have had struggles with jealousy for about…..well, for always, I suppose. When I was but a small child I remember wanting to be the center of attention in my class. I was jealous for attention. I wanted to have the best grades and have the teachers “see something special in me.” I was jealous for their favor. I would go to school and can remember having jealous thoughts of the nicer clothes that they wore. My parents struggled most of their lives, as I am sure many parents did back then. Mom would, many times, give up something she wanted or needed in order for me to have the best that money could buy, but to me, as a child, that never seemed to be enough.
I grew to be a teenager, and those feelings of envy followed me all the way to Kentucky! Now I found myself the “new girl” and I am trying to find my “niche” but it is difficult to do when so many people in the school have grown up and lived in the same area and go to school together. But I make an attempt nonetheless. My jealousies flare because I cannot seem to garner the attention of those that I want to become friends with. I am jealous of their friendships. And here is where I begin my dangerous journey. When a teenager attempts to find favor with people, they do things that they either know are wrong or they give up being “themselves” and try to be someone else that they believe will draw attention to themselves. I did both. And the result lasted me until I was well into my early forties.
I remember there was a young man that I really liked and I really wanted him to notice me. I started doing things that I knew to be skewed from what I was taught to believe was correct. But I knew it did get his attention. I loved that. But then again, I knew, deep down it was wrong. I was slowly melding into someone who compromised her values because she was jealous for the attention of someone. This behavior continued throughout my high school years and I found myself having lots of friends, but nobody knew me that well. My jealousy for friends caused me to begin lying to my parents so that I could “measure up” to what my “friends” at school had and did. And because of that I never truly gave 100%. Now, some of you are scratching your heads and wondering what planet I come from, while others know exactly what I am talking about. I applaud those of you who don’t understand. Why? Because you are probably the ones who stayed true to yourselves and made some lifelong friends in the process. You are the ones who never were jealous because you had the very thing I and a few others didn’t have - security.
I graduated and moved on, got married, had children, moved out of the area and started living my life, and realized I was STILL jealous! I had a husband, money, family, and a rich life, but I still felt I didn’t have enough. Why do you suppose that is? I think I now know. I wasn’t being true to myself. I was jealous of those who were content. I had always wanted more. I was jealous of those that had formed life-long friendships. I had no lasting friendships. I was jealous of those who were in Kentucky and liked it. I had moved around so much and thought that was what I wanted. I realized it was not what I, indeed, wanted. I was still jealous of the very same things I was while younger,
So here I am again, looking backwards. I wonder where I went wrong. I wonder what I lacked. I wonder why I could never get what I THOUGHT I wanted. Well, some of you may have already figured this out, but it took me all this time to see it…I was insecure. I gave up being myself way back then and I “lost” my identity - my true identity. I had tried to be someone I wasn’t and gave up some good, life-lasting friendships. (Or at least I believe that to be true now.) I see that my “style” was never going to please everyone, and I find that those who were secure in that area all along are doing just fine! The guys that I tried so desperately to get the attention of, well, they may or may not have liked the real me. And in trying to be someone else I MAY have missed opportunities of getting to know some really great guys.
So, I find myself looking back at my high school years and having regrets. Regrets about being jealous when there was no call to be. I regret not trusting in the God Who created me to be myself, but instead trying to be what I thought was what I needed to be. I regret not allowing so many people in high school a chance to get to know the real me. I am so very sorry that I didn’t give you that chance. I am so sorry for not giving myself a change. Please forgive me and know that I am secure enough in myself now that I can be contented with whatever our futures hold.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
So, I want to re-visit part of what I had mentioned in the last post. The idea of being so young and being expected to know everything and getting to be my age and realizing that we couldn’t possibly know a darn thing.
So, I don’t think I was sheltered much as I was growing up. I had to move around a lot being a kid of an army dad. I remember my freshman year of high school I attended three different schools - a Jr. High school in Texas, a small elementary school in Oklahoma, and a middle school in Kentucky. But I didn’t have a clue what the difference was other than location. How was I supposed to know? Who was supposed to tell me? When I got to Kentucky I was the “new kid.” Everyone knows that being the new kid is torturous! I mean I knew, for heaven’s sake! That was one thing nobody had to tell me. I had been the new kid too many times! But this was going to be my last time, so I did everything I could to settle in. But nobody really took me under their wing to tell me what my future might be the next few years.
I struggled quite a bit those first few months. I won’t go into detail - that will be saved for my diary and it will also save some the embarrassment I am sure it would bring to share for myself and others. But I know, looking back now, that there was no way I was the only one who had those same insecurities, those same issues, those same challenges. (You know who you are.)
Here is a 15-year-old who is supposed to make good friends, but has never had someone show her what friendship looked like (or one who had withstood the test of time). I had no idea what my future held. All I knew was that I needed to make good grades. My relationships consisted of a boy that I liked in elementary school for a few weeks until he upset me and I punched him and he moved on. And as far as extra-curricular activities went, I didn’t have a clue from secretary to yearbook! They were, to me, as foreign as Greenland! (I would have said Germany, but I have been there…lol)
And I will admit, ever so humbly, that I, at the age of twenty-five didn’t have a close friend. I had a husband and a baby to take care of. I didn’t have time for friends. I had to throw any ideas of a “future” out the window. I had to console myself with the fact that I would be a wife and mother all my days, and I would have to give up my dreams of ever becoming a teacher….or marketing executive…or flight attendant….or whatever it was that I had decided to be. I was married but still didn’t know anything about relationships. But to tell the truth I wasn’t mature enough to admit that just yet. And extra-curricular activities of my high school? Well, I am just not sure how any of them truly would have prepared for life.
So, I turned thirty-five, and I am just beginning to touch the surface of who I really am. I understood what it means to have friends, and good ones at that, but I just didn’t have any that would reciprocate the sentiments. I had an idea what my future might be - even though I doubted I would ever see it realized. I mean, who, at this stage of the game decides to go to school and get a degree in entrepreneurship to open up a bed and breakfast. I mean who has the time?!?! And as far as relationships go….well, anyone who has been married for any length of time will tell you that they will NEVER be able to fully understand their spouse! So to say that I was beginning to have serious doubts about this “relationship” thing would be a mild understatement. And by now I was really regretting not spending more time in studies in high school instead of pining over those lost opportunities of participating in a club that was just an excuse to get out of class.
Now, I have come to where I find myself now. I am going to be celebrating a birthday the weekend of my 30th High School reunion and I am feeling rather nostalgic. I have come full circle as far as residency. I believe I fully understand the value of friendship and I am looking forward to a day when I will be able to dote on someone(s) all that care and affection I have come to value. I want to laugh and be silly with my girlfriends and know that they are life-long friends. I “get” and appreciate friendships. My future ….well…..I still don’t know what it holds for me, but praise God I know Who holds my future and I am confident that He has something very special in mind for me. In the area of relationships…I have learned what is important and what is not. I have seen bad and I have seen good. I choose good, so I left a bad relationship of MANY years in lieu of a great one. The main reason is that now, at the age that I am, I am starting to understand “me” better and can find someone who values me.
“So, Petra, what is your point?” you might ask.
Well, I will tell you. How can a person at the age of fifteen POSSIBLY know what she is just now discovering at the age of over-forty-five? And I am fully convinced that if most people were truthful with themselves, they will discover that they, too, might feel the same way. They might look back and see that maybe the choices made/not made in high school were never reflective of who they were going to be thirty years later. So don’t be so hard on yourself. First of all you are not the only one. Secondly, looking back with regret does absolutely nothing but bring you down. Look forward and vow to teach the future generations that they don’t need to be so hard on themselves when they are in high school. Maybe it will only take them twenty years to discover who they really are.
So, I don’t think I was sheltered much as I was growing up. I had to move around a lot being a kid of an army dad. I remember my freshman year of high school I attended three different schools - a Jr. High school in Texas, a small elementary school in Oklahoma, and a middle school in Kentucky. But I didn’t have a clue what the difference was other than location. How was I supposed to know? Who was supposed to tell me? When I got to Kentucky I was the “new kid.” Everyone knows that being the new kid is torturous! I mean I knew, for heaven’s sake! That was one thing nobody had to tell me. I had been the new kid too many times! But this was going to be my last time, so I did everything I could to settle in. But nobody really took me under their wing to tell me what my future might be the next few years.
I struggled quite a bit those first few months. I won’t go into detail - that will be saved for my diary and it will also save some the embarrassment I am sure it would bring to share for myself and others. But I know, looking back now, that there was no way I was the only one who had those same insecurities, those same issues, those same challenges. (You know who you are.)
Here is a 15-year-old who is supposed to make good friends, but has never had someone show her what friendship looked like (or one who had withstood the test of time). I had no idea what my future held. All I knew was that I needed to make good grades. My relationships consisted of a boy that I liked in elementary school for a few weeks until he upset me and I punched him and he moved on. And as far as extra-curricular activities went, I didn’t have a clue from secretary to yearbook! They were, to me, as foreign as Greenland! (I would have said Germany, but I have been there…lol)
And I will admit, ever so humbly, that I, at the age of twenty-five didn’t have a close friend. I had a husband and a baby to take care of. I didn’t have time for friends. I had to throw any ideas of a “future” out the window. I had to console myself with the fact that I would be a wife and mother all my days, and I would have to give up my dreams of ever becoming a teacher….or marketing executive…or flight attendant….or whatever it was that I had decided to be. I was married but still didn’t know anything about relationships. But to tell the truth I wasn’t mature enough to admit that just yet. And extra-curricular activities of my high school? Well, I am just not sure how any of them truly would have prepared for life.
So, I turned thirty-five, and I am just beginning to touch the surface of who I really am. I understood what it means to have friends, and good ones at that, but I just didn’t have any that would reciprocate the sentiments. I had an idea what my future might be - even though I doubted I would ever see it realized. I mean, who, at this stage of the game decides to go to school and get a degree in entrepreneurship to open up a bed and breakfast. I mean who has the time?!?! And as far as relationships go….well, anyone who has been married for any length of time will tell you that they will NEVER be able to fully understand their spouse! So to say that I was beginning to have serious doubts about this “relationship” thing would be a mild understatement. And by now I was really regretting not spending more time in studies in high school instead of pining over those lost opportunities of participating in a club that was just an excuse to get out of class.
Now, I have come to where I find myself now. I am going to be celebrating a birthday the weekend of my 30th High School reunion and I am feeling rather nostalgic. I have come full circle as far as residency. I believe I fully understand the value of friendship and I am looking forward to a day when I will be able to dote on someone(s) all that care and affection I have come to value. I want to laugh and be silly with my girlfriends and know that they are life-long friends. I “get” and appreciate friendships. My future ….well…..I still don’t know what it holds for me, but praise God I know Who holds my future and I am confident that He has something very special in mind for me. In the area of relationships…I have learned what is important and what is not. I have seen bad and I have seen good. I choose good, so I left a bad relationship of MANY years in lieu of a great one. The main reason is that now, at the age that I am, I am starting to understand “me” better and can find someone who values me.
“So, Petra, what is your point?” you might ask.
Well, I will tell you. How can a person at the age of fifteen POSSIBLY know what she is just now discovering at the age of over-forty-five? And I am fully convinced that if most people were truthful with themselves, they will discover that they, too, might feel the same way. They might look back and see that maybe the choices made/not made in high school were never reflective of who they were going to be thirty years later. So don’t be so hard on yourself. First of all you are not the only one. Secondly, looking back with regret does absolutely nothing but bring you down. Look forward and vow to teach the future generations that they don’t need to be so hard on themselves when they are in high school. Maybe it will only take them twenty years to discover who they really are.
Does anybody else struggle with memories? I’m not talking about whether or not you are getting old and can’t remember. I’m talking about real versus tainted memories. The difference between what actually happened and what you remember to have happened. Do you find the older you get the more you view the past through rose-colored glasses?
I know I am getting older. My mirror tells me. My driver’s license tells me. The frequency in which I am to report to my doctor tells me. And now there is one more reminder…my upcoming 30-year reunion notifications on Facebook. I can’t possibly be this old, can I? I don’t FEEL old. I don’t ACT old (or so I have been told). By some people’s standards I don’t even LOOK old. But, the birth certificate never lies. And so now, let me bring this back around to my original question. Does anyone struggle with memories? Or am I the only one?
Earlier today I reconnected with a high school girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in over thirty years. We began talking as if the last thirty years was but a couple months. It was exhilarating, to say the least. To chat with someone and within a few short minutes be caught up on the details that bog us down on a day-to-day basis. So, as anyone would naturally do, I got out my yearbooks and starting finding pictures and mementos of my high school stint. Who else could I get caught up with? I must admit I got a little excited about the prospect because I have such fond memories of high school.
Would you like to know what I discovered? I’m a whole lot older than I believed myself to be. I must be! Because there is no way I can have such fond memories and have very little, if any, connection (outside of a few Facebook posts) with anyone in my graduating class! So what is the deal? And the interesting thing is that I could probably run into any number of them and either a.) not remember their name/recognize them; b.) start talking to them like we were in high school all over again; or c.) wonder what happened to us that we never connected through all the years. Or maybe a combination of a few.
But it really doesn’t matter because my memory is tainted! Don’t you see? I remember a very different scenario that what was actually true. I remember all of the good stuff. I remember the senior trip we took to King‘s Island….oh, wait…I didn’t go. Oops. Well, I remember prom, the dress I wore and shopped for hours for, the dancing, the music…..oh, wait….that never happened either for me. Well, I do remember the close friends I made. They even wrote in my yearbook that we would keep in touch after graduation. Those friends were the best! Oh….wait….that didn’t happen either. I remember all the fun I had in the classes joking around with everyone, telling jokes and laughing. That happened, right? Well, yes, but I was always on the “wrong” side of the room. I clearly recall senior skip day…but I was too prudish to actually skip. I was too ignorant of what “fun” was to enjoy a lot of the activities my senior year. I didn’t know a THING about friendships, my future, relationships, “workings” of school extra-curricular activities, and, most of all, myself. I mean, seriously, who really know, at the age of seventeen and eighteen about ANY of those things?
So here I sit at the age of….ahem….40-ish…..and wonder…”Am I the only one that doesn’t remember high school through rose-colored glasses?” I mean seriously….I know that there are some of you who have kept in contact with certain people all through the years. I know that some of you married your high school sweethearts and it has lasted all this time. I’m certain that many of you have never moved from the area from which you graduated and therefore it has been inevitable that you run across people all the time that you knew in high school. Some of you have even decided to stay in the school system and teach in the very school you went to. And I know that still others have children who are now attending that school and are participating in the same activities that you did.
But I can’t help but think that the majority of us have moved on to our separate paths, growing old, enjoying life for the most part, and looking at high school and senior year through our tainted old-people glasses that only allow us to remember the good. Because isn’t that what we are supposed to do?
This is going to be the first in a series of posts that I will publish that have to do with the time leading up to my reunion, which, sadly, I will not be able to attend.
I know I am getting older. My mirror tells me. My driver’s license tells me. The frequency in which I am to report to my doctor tells me. And now there is one more reminder…my upcoming 30-year reunion notifications on Facebook. I can’t possibly be this old, can I? I don’t FEEL old. I don’t ACT old (or so I have been told). By some people’s standards I don’t even LOOK old. But, the birth certificate never lies. And so now, let me bring this back around to my original question. Does anyone struggle with memories? Or am I the only one?
Earlier today I reconnected with a high school girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in over thirty years. We began talking as if the last thirty years was but a couple months. It was exhilarating, to say the least. To chat with someone and within a few short minutes be caught up on the details that bog us down on a day-to-day basis. So, as anyone would naturally do, I got out my yearbooks and starting finding pictures and mementos of my high school stint. Who else could I get caught up with? I must admit I got a little excited about the prospect because I have such fond memories of high school.
Would you like to know what I discovered? I’m a whole lot older than I believed myself to be. I must be! Because there is no way I can have such fond memories and have very little, if any, connection (outside of a few Facebook posts) with anyone in my graduating class! So what is the deal? And the interesting thing is that I could probably run into any number of them and either a.) not remember their name/recognize them; b.) start talking to them like we were in high school all over again; or c.) wonder what happened to us that we never connected through all the years. Or maybe a combination of a few.
But it really doesn’t matter because my memory is tainted! Don’t you see? I remember a very different scenario that what was actually true. I remember all of the good stuff. I remember the senior trip we took to King‘s Island….oh, wait…I didn’t go. Oops. Well, I remember prom, the dress I wore and shopped for hours for, the dancing, the music…..oh, wait….that never happened either for me. Well, I do remember the close friends I made. They even wrote in my yearbook that we would keep in touch after graduation. Those friends were the best! Oh….wait….that didn’t happen either. I remember all the fun I had in the classes joking around with everyone, telling jokes and laughing. That happened, right? Well, yes, but I was always on the “wrong” side of the room. I clearly recall senior skip day…but I was too prudish to actually skip. I was too ignorant of what “fun” was to enjoy a lot of the activities my senior year. I didn’t know a THING about friendships, my future, relationships, “workings” of school extra-curricular activities, and, most of all, myself. I mean, seriously, who really know, at the age of seventeen and eighteen about ANY of those things?
So here I sit at the age of….ahem….40-ish…..and wonder…”Am I the only one that doesn’t remember high school through rose-colored glasses?” I mean seriously….I know that there are some of you who have kept in contact with certain people all through the years. I know that some of you married your high school sweethearts and it has lasted all this time. I’m certain that many of you have never moved from the area from which you graduated and therefore it has been inevitable that you run across people all the time that you knew in high school. Some of you have even decided to stay in the school system and teach in the very school you went to. And I know that still others have children who are now attending that school and are participating in the same activities that you did.
But I can’t help but think that the majority of us have moved on to our separate paths, growing old, enjoying life for the most part, and looking at high school and senior year through our tainted old-people glasses that only allow us to remember the good. Because isn’t that what we are supposed to do?
This is going to be the first in a series of posts that I will publish that have to do with the time leading up to my reunion, which, sadly, I will not be able to attend.
Monday, April 15, 2013
I recently read an article in a writers' magazine that said that until your family hates what you write in your blogs you really haven't "arrived." Well, I recently learned that certain members of my family HAVE read my blog and do hate it. Why? Because they believed it was full of self-righteous lies. Interesting....
I find that very humorous, because this blog is THE ONE PLACE where I am truly transparent and lay my soul bare for the world to see. What comes across on this blog is my heart, warts and all. (Not that a heart actually has warts!) But I know now know that I have "arrived" at the point where some can recognize that the person I was before my divorce was NOT the real me! I had been blinded to who I was and who the Lord created me to be.
I want everyone reading this post to understand me...hear me well... There are some people who can, with every ounce of charm, deceive you into believing you are a certain person with certain traits and characteristics. They can conive and convince and construe circumstances to affect their own agenda. And the real kicker to this is that they do it under the guise of being helpful and loving. Be not deceived as I was, dear one.
I am out from under that demented control, but it wasn't until I found the unconditional love of a dear man, that I truly recognized the cloud I had been living under. I am now free to discover truth for myself, not truth interpreted by someone claiming to be more intellectual and gifted than I. I am able to look in the Word of God and see how the Lord views me, and I feel liberated! I am enjoying the discovery of who my Lord is and how He interracts with me on a daily basis. I feel free to express my feelings to Him and those around me because I will not be judged!
My Lord is good - ALL THE TIME - and I am anxious to see how my life is turning around and becoming much like the beautiful butterfly and NOT living in the coccoon I had been sleeping in for 23 years.
Please do NOT misunderstand me, my dear reader. I am not suggesting that there was no good to come in those 23 years. God works ALL THINGS to the good! He can take my trash and make it glorify Himself! He can take my mistakes, hurts and even my sin, and turn them around for His glory! PTL!!! I may have made a mistake 25 years ago and trusted someone I had no business trusting in, BUT three lovely children were a consequence of that. I am thankful the Lord makes beautiful what once was ashes!!!
I find that very humorous, because this blog is THE ONE PLACE where I am truly transparent and lay my soul bare for the world to see. What comes across on this blog is my heart, warts and all. (Not that a heart actually has warts!) But I know now know that I have "arrived" at the point where some can recognize that the person I was before my divorce was NOT the real me! I had been blinded to who I was and who the Lord created me to be.
I want everyone reading this post to understand me...hear me well... There are some people who can, with every ounce of charm, deceive you into believing you are a certain person with certain traits and characteristics. They can conive and convince and construe circumstances to affect their own agenda. And the real kicker to this is that they do it under the guise of being helpful and loving. Be not deceived as I was, dear one.
I am out from under that demented control, but it wasn't until I found the unconditional love of a dear man, that I truly recognized the cloud I had been living under. I am now free to discover truth for myself, not truth interpreted by someone claiming to be more intellectual and gifted than I. I am able to look in the Word of God and see how the Lord views me, and I feel liberated! I am enjoying the discovery of who my Lord is and how He interracts with me on a daily basis. I feel free to express my feelings to Him and those around me because I will not be judged!
My Lord is good - ALL THE TIME - and I am anxious to see how my life is turning around and becoming much like the beautiful butterfly and NOT living in the coccoon I had been sleeping in for 23 years.
Please do NOT misunderstand me, my dear reader. I am not suggesting that there was no good to come in those 23 years. God works ALL THINGS to the good! He can take my trash and make it glorify Himself! He can take my mistakes, hurts and even my sin, and turn them around for His glory! PTL!!! I may have made a mistake 25 years ago and trusted someone I had no business trusting in, BUT three lovely children were a consequence of that. I am thankful the Lord makes beautiful what once was ashes!!!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Have you heard the phrase that fear paralyzes you? Yeah, so have I. Lately I have been wondering why I haven't continued my writing. I mean, I have some wonderful story ideas. I have started many of them. I keeping thinking about ideas that I want to add to some of them. So why can't I just finish ONE? Just one. That's all I want. Really. So then what's the answer? Fear? I have been thinking about that. I'm just not so sure anymore.
The last few weeks I have started reading more. Yes, it's good. I love losing myself in the lives of those characters in the stories. Some of the books have locations that I would either like to go to or have been to. It's been marvelous. And every time I finish a book I praise the author for such wonderful work. He or she captures the characters perfectly. Does a wonderful job in pulling the reader in and capturing his/her attention. I like building up the author. Although, after I think about it, do they really need to be built up or encouraged? After all, aren't they they ones who are already published?
I found myself comparing my writing to theirs. Silly, I know. But I do it anyway. I psych myself out. Don't judge me. You probably have your own comparisons you make, don't you? So here I am, sitting in my recliner, enjoying the fruits of others and not allowing the Lord to use my own fingers and creativity to put to paper the stories He has blessed me with. Why? One word - paralyzed. What? Yes, I compare my own talent to those I am reading and it paralyzes me to the point I won't even pick up the pen and paper.
Well, I guess you could say it's fear, too. Fear that I won't be good enough to have anyone read my stories and think that way about me that I think about others. I've been thinking that as long as I compare myself to others I won't have to actually "do" anything.
Who have you compared yourself to? What has that caused you to NOT do? What have you feared? Do you trust the Lord to overcome that fear by stepping out in faith and doing what He has gifted you to do? How about we take each other's hands and take that leap together? I am going to start writing. It's my heart. It's my gift. It's my "talent" and I don't want my Master to be disappointed in me because I hid it (buried it) instead of taking a chance! I would rather step out in faith and use the talent to the best of my ability and give God all the glory for the outcome than squander those talents and God be disappointed and I keep giving others the praise that only the Lord deserves.
What say you?
Please leave a comment on this blog. (You will have to add your name and email, but please take the time to do this. I want to see how many of you are holding my hand and jumping with me.)
The last few weeks I have started reading more. Yes, it's good. I love losing myself in the lives of those characters in the stories. Some of the books have locations that I would either like to go to or have been to. It's been marvelous. And every time I finish a book I praise the author for such wonderful work. He or she captures the characters perfectly. Does a wonderful job in pulling the reader in and capturing his/her attention. I like building up the author. Although, after I think about it, do they really need to be built up or encouraged? After all, aren't they they ones who are already published?
I found myself comparing my writing to theirs. Silly, I know. But I do it anyway. I psych myself out. Don't judge me. You probably have your own comparisons you make, don't you? So here I am, sitting in my recliner, enjoying the fruits of others and not allowing the Lord to use my own fingers and creativity to put to paper the stories He has blessed me with. Why? One word - paralyzed. What? Yes, I compare my own talent to those I am reading and it paralyzes me to the point I won't even pick up the pen and paper.
Well, I guess you could say it's fear, too. Fear that I won't be good enough to have anyone read my stories and think that way about me that I think about others. I've been thinking that as long as I compare myself to others I won't have to actually "do" anything.
Who have you compared yourself to? What has that caused you to NOT do? What have you feared? Do you trust the Lord to overcome that fear by stepping out in faith and doing what He has gifted you to do? How about we take each other's hands and take that leap together? I am going to start writing. It's my heart. It's my gift. It's my "talent" and I don't want my Master to be disappointed in me because I hid it (buried it) instead of taking a chance! I would rather step out in faith and use the talent to the best of my ability and give God all the glory for the outcome than squander those talents and God be disappointed and I keep giving others the praise that only the Lord deserves.
What say you?
Please leave a comment on this blog. (You will have to add your name and email, but please take the time to do this. I want to see how many of you are holding my hand and jumping with me.)
Monday, February 25, 2013
Do you ever get overwhelmed? With work? With family? With relationships? And sometimes with just the everyday-ness of life? What happenes in those situations? What do you do?
I like to unwind by vegging out in front of the TV. I know that sounds counterproductive and some would gasp at the fact that I choose to engage in mindless entertainment as opposed to getting something "important" done. And maybe they would be right. And some would do a "double-gasp" if they were to know what I was actually watching, but you know what? It works for me. After I let my mind empty of every heavy thought, I am more productive afterwards. And it works for me.
Everyone has their way of dealing with their own stressors. Some people with WAY too much energy lace up their sneakers and go for a run or head to the local gym. I applaud their effort because it will serve to clear their mind as well as improve their tone. I am just not one of those energetic, health conscious people. There are those who will pick up their guitar and play soulful tunes until they have lost all perception of time. I am not talented in that area. There are yet others who will press on through the "lull" and continue trying to be productive and yet not being very productive at all.
Here I am...I am person who wastes too much time getting very little done and then, once I see I am running behind, I get into over-drive mode and do everything I need to. It's called being a procrastinator.
Here's where I want to be...I want to have a notebook and pen with me at all times to record thoughts and ideas. I want my "down time" to BE my productive time. I may still sit and watch mindless TV, but that is not a reason to allow my creative spirit to just idley flow by. I will be a better person for it.
Here is what I percieve will happen. I will almost look forward to those times I get overwhelmed because I will be somewhat productive. My relationships might be material for my next thought in my notebook. My family will benefit because I will merely back away instead of lashing out in a sarcastic and hurtful manner. Work will appreciate my productive time because there will be more of it.
Don't you see? I now somehow look forward to getting stressed out so that I can prove to myself, somehow, that I can get through those times in a way I never could before.
I like to unwind by vegging out in front of the TV. I know that sounds counterproductive and some would gasp at the fact that I choose to engage in mindless entertainment as opposed to getting something "important" done. And maybe they would be right. And some would do a "double-gasp" if they were to know what I was actually watching, but you know what? It works for me. After I let my mind empty of every heavy thought, I am more productive afterwards. And it works for me.
Everyone has their way of dealing with their own stressors. Some people with WAY too much energy lace up their sneakers and go for a run or head to the local gym. I applaud their effort because it will serve to clear their mind as well as improve their tone. I am just not one of those energetic, health conscious people. There are those who will pick up their guitar and play soulful tunes until they have lost all perception of time. I am not talented in that area. There are yet others who will press on through the "lull" and continue trying to be productive and yet not being very productive at all.
Here I am...I am person who wastes too much time getting very little done and then, once I see I am running behind, I get into over-drive mode and do everything I need to. It's called being a procrastinator.
Here's where I want to be...I want to have a notebook and pen with me at all times to record thoughts and ideas. I want my "down time" to BE my productive time. I may still sit and watch mindless TV, but that is not a reason to allow my creative spirit to just idley flow by. I will be a better person for it.
Here is what I percieve will happen. I will almost look forward to those times I get overwhelmed because I will be somewhat productive. My relationships might be material for my next thought in my notebook. My family will benefit because I will merely back away instead of lashing out in a sarcastic and hurtful manner. Work will appreciate my productive time because there will be more of it.
Don't you see? I now somehow look forward to getting stressed out so that I can prove to myself, somehow, that I can get through those times in a way I never could before.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
The other night I was reading in 1 Samuel. I have read the account of Hannah many times, but this time I read it with new eyes.
Hannah was a scorned (by her husband's other wife)woman and she ended up being blessed by the Lord with a son in her old age. She had promised the Lord she would give her son back to Him if He blessed her. She lived up to her promise and when she took baby Samuel to the synagogue she prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to the Lord. What a beautiful picture! During the years after that time, even in her old age, the Lord blessed her with five more children.
This experience got me to thinking about the situation in which I find myself. Two years have passed since my divorce and I haven't seen any of my children in over a year. And in the meanwhile they are not treating me with any kindness or even respect or civility. What have I been doing in the meantime? Have I been praying prayers of thanksgiving to the Lord and obeying the Word where it says to "pray without ceasing?" NO! I have been complaining, worrying, stressing and basically making myself miserable! I realize that my reactions should be more of what Hannah prayed in 1 Samuel and also the prayer of Paul for the church of Colossae.
Who am I? What is my identity? My identity is NOT based on what I have done on this earth. Who I am or am not married to. Who my children are. Where I make my dwelling. My identity is in Christ alone. He alone has put his mark of ownership on me. What I do on this earth should merely be an outpouring of who I am in Him. Even my reaction to the difficult times should be a reflection on Christ (and I am going through difficult times!). When I am squeezed by the stressors of life, I want to "ooze" Jesus - no matter what others expect of me.
Bringing this back around...
In the situation in which I find myself with the children and their father, I will choose to remember that I was "Petra" before I was born into this world. God has had a plan for my life before the creation of the world. There is nothing I can do to alter that will for my life. I can't mess up what GOd has ordained for me. I am His and He is mine. I will choose to foicus on that, and that alone! Whether my children are in my life or not will NOT change my identity or purpose. God will bless me for His good pleasure and I will thankfully accept all that He brings into my life for it is all for His good!
So, for the next few days I am going to start writing out "Petra's Prayer" and actually pray it. I will hang it in a prominent place in my home as a reminder of God's faithfulness despite my faithlessness. God's goodness despite my anger and bitterness. God's provision instead of my lack.
Will you join me in either helping keep me accountable or by writing your own prayer of thanksgiving? Please let me know how the Lord is blessing your life despite your failings. That's what our journey in this world is all about, isn't it?
Hannah was a scorned (by her husband's other wife)woman and she ended up being blessed by the Lord with a son in her old age. She had promised the Lord she would give her son back to Him if He blessed her. She lived up to her promise and when she took baby Samuel to the synagogue she prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to the Lord. What a beautiful picture! During the years after that time, even in her old age, the Lord blessed her with five more children.
This experience got me to thinking about the situation in which I find myself. Two years have passed since my divorce and I haven't seen any of my children in over a year. And in the meanwhile they are not treating me with any kindness or even respect or civility. What have I been doing in the meantime? Have I been praying prayers of thanksgiving to the Lord and obeying the Word where it says to "pray without ceasing?" NO! I have been complaining, worrying, stressing and basically making myself miserable! I realize that my reactions should be more of what Hannah prayed in 1 Samuel and also the prayer of Paul for the church of Colossae.
Who am I? What is my identity? My identity is NOT based on what I have done on this earth. Who I am or am not married to. Who my children are. Where I make my dwelling. My identity is in Christ alone. He alone has put his mark of ownership on me. What I do on this earth should merely be an outpouring of who I am in Him. Even my reaction to the difficult times should be a reflection on Christ (and I am going through difficult times!). When I am squeezed by the stressors of life, I want to "ooze" Jesus - no matter what others expect of me.
Bringing this back around...
In the situation in which I find myself with the children and their father, I will choose to remember that I was "Petra" before I was born into this world. God has had a plan for my life before the creation of the world. There is nothing I can do to alter that will for my life. I can't mess up what GOd has ordained for me. I am His and He is mine. I will choose to foicus on that, and that alone! Whether my children are in my life or not will NOT change my identity or purpose. God will bless me for His good pleasure and I will thankfully accept all that He brings into my life for it is all for His good!
So, for the next few days I am going to start writing out "Petra's Prayer" and actually pray it. I will hang it in a prominent place in my home as a reminder of God's faithfulness despite my faithlessness. God's goodness despite my anger and bitterness. God's provision instead of my lack.
Will you join me in either helping keep me accountable or by writing your own prayer of thanksgiving? Please let me know how the Lord is blessing your life despite your failings. That's what our journey in this world is all about, isn't it?
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
So, lately I have been thinking about friendships and all of the details of what relationships with friends entails. It's a really interesting topic if you think about it. We all have our own definitions of what a friend truly is. Every time I turn on the TV or put a movie in, I am bombarded by even more examples. I am in the season of my life right now where I seem to be evaluating everything I thought to be "so." Friendships. Love. Life. Security. Peace. Contentment. I want to put labels on everything based on what I thought once was.
Yesterday I got reaquainted with one of my favorite movies, "Emma." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, Emma is a well-bred, lively, friendly, beautiful young woman. It is a story obout friendships and love - as most Jane Austen books. (I truly believe Ms. Austen had a wonderful take on what friendship and love truly consisted of.) Today I want to focus on a few of the relationships in this particular story.
Then:
Emma befriends a younger girl and tries to do some good by enstilling some sense of "class" in her. In the process she tries to groom her for a marriage out of her league. Those who know Emma try to determine whether or not this is a profitable friendship for Emma. They point out all of the faults and flaws in Harriet, but Emma always comes to her defense.
In today's world:
There is a co-worker who desperately needs some kind of help, whether it be financial, emotional, or something else. You approach the person and give assistance. You hand them a $20 to help pay for gas. Ask them to lunch so they can tell you about their woes. And when discussing things with another, you refer to them as a friend. But is this really friendship or just a way to serve yourself and make "self" feel important and worthy? This is the relationship between Emma and Harriet Smith. It looks innocent enough from the outside, but when others point out the flaws of this "friend" and you cannot see them, you are infatuated by...what? Self-satisfaction? Pride? Self-worth? What does the scripture say about that? "Love does not seek it's own..." (1 Cor. 13:5)
Then:
Also, there is a friendship between Emma and her now-married governess. Mrs. Weston only sees the good in Emma. Emma adores Mrs. Weston and seeks her advice, however, biased as Mrs. Weston is, she cannot bring herself to chide Emma for her actions. She points out some facts about others and carefully words her advice to Emma to sound nothing but loving and encouraging. In relationship to Harriet, Mrs. Weston subtley points out character flaws in Harriet, but soothes Emma's conscience by offering encouragement in her actions towards Harriet.
In today's world:
There are people in our lives, possibly a parent, who always find the best in us, and encourage us to follow our flawed instincts, even if it means we might be hurt in the end. But we can always count on that person to smooth our ruffled egos, can't we? And the scarey thing is, many of these people have known us for many years, perhaps all our lives. And what purpose does it serve to sugar-coat the truth? What does the scripture tell us in this instance? "Speak the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15) Is partial truth good enough? I tend not to think so because there is still room for a little white lie, isn't there?
Then:
Of course we cannot forget the friendship between Emma and the life-long family friend, Mr. Knightley. Mr. Knightley never held back his praises OR his rebuke from Emma. His rebukes were stern, but never unkind. His only motivation for speaking in such a manner was the edification of his dear friend, one whom he had known since infancy. Emma's response to Mr, Knightley's rebukes? Indignation of course! However...Through the course of the story we begin to see Emma maturing and recognizing the affection behind the words her dear friend had spoken. And because Mr. Knightley, always the caring friend, has the patience to see Emma through some very difficult times, they both reap the benefits of not only the deepest of friendships, but they also see their love and admiration grow for each other.
In today's world:
There are certainly those in our lives who speak truth into our lives and we get very defensive about our actions. Or am I the only one? (Hope not.) We are not sure if they are really "showing themselves friendly" because who in the world would speak in such a manner to us?!?! This could be someone you just met or someone who has known you forever, but for one reason or another they have your best interests at heart. Their words are completely self-less, and they know this because telling you the truth in love is more important to them than being liked. They would rather see you mature than have a superficial relationship with you.
I have been evaluating the people who are in my lives and, in a way, categorizing (labeling) them into one of these three "friendship categories." I have found many that fit into the first two, but only a cherished few who are in the last one. And here is what I want to say about that...
I have found my dear "Mr. Knightly" who, despite my many flaws and character deficiencies, cares about me and patiently waits for me to completely appreciate his love. I want to tell you, Mr. Knightley. "I see your care and concern and I value your friendship above all other friendships. I am still trying to settle the other false friendships in my life so that I can be freed up to fully appreciate your self-less, caring, and sacrificial love for me. Thank you for opening up my eyes to what true friendship looks like and waiting for me to appreciate YOU!"
Yesterday I got reaquainted with one of my favorite movies, "Emma." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, Emma is a well-bred, lively, friendly, beautiful young woman. It is a story obout friendships and love - as most Jane Austen books. (I truly believe Ms. Austen had a wonderful take on what friendship and love truly consisted of.) Today I want to focus on a few of the relationships in this particular story.
Then:
Emma befriends a younger girl and tries to do some good by enstilling some sense of "class" in her. In the process she tries to groom her for a marriage out of her league. Those who know Emma try to determine whether or not this is a profitable friendship for Emma. They point out all of the faults and flaws in Harriet, but Emma always comes to her defense.
In today's world:
There is a co-worker who desperately needs some kind of help, whether it be financial, emotional, or something else. You approach the person and give assistance. You hand them a $20 to help pay for gas. Ask them to lunch so they can tell you about their woes. And when discussing things with another, you refer to them as a friend. But is this really friendship or just a way to serve yourself and make "self" feel important and worthy? This is the relationship between Emma and Harriet Smith. It looks innocent enough from the outside, but when others point out the flaws of this "friend" and you cannot see them, you are infatuated by...what? Self-satisfaction? Pride? Self-worth? What does the scripture say about that? "Love does not seek it's own..." (1 Cor. 13:5)
Then:
Also, there is a friendship between Emma and her now-married governess. Mrs. Weston only sees the good in Emma. Emma adores Mrs. Weston and seeks her advice, however, biased as Mrs. Weston is, she cannot bring herself to chide Emma for her actions. She points out some facts about others and carefully words her advice to Emma to sound nothing but loving and encouraging. In relationship to Harriet, Mrs. Weston subtley points out character flaws in Harriet, but soothes Emma's conscience by offering encouragement in her actions towards Harriet.
In today's world:
There are people in our lives, possibly a parent, who always find the best in us, and encourage us to follow our flawed instincts, even if it means we might be hurt in the end. But we can always count on that person to smooth our ruffled egos, can't we? And the scarey thing is, many of these people have known us for many years, perhaps all our lives. And what purpose does it serve to sugar-coat the truth? What does the scripture tell us in this instance? "Speak the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15) Is partial truth good enough? I tend not to think so because there is still room for a little white lie, isn't there?
Then:
Of course we cannot forget the friendship between Emma and the life-long family friend, Mr. Knightley. Mr. Knightley never held back his praises OR his rebuke from Emma. His rebukes were stern, but never unkind. His only motivation for speaking in such a manner was the edification of his dear friend, one whom he had known since infancy. Emma's response to Mr, Knightley's rebukes? Indignation of course! However...Through the course of the story we begin to see Emma maturing and recognizing the affection behind the words her dear friend had spoken. And because Mr. Knightley, always the caring friend, has the patience to see Emma through some very difficult times, they both reap the benefits of not only the deepest of friendships, but they also see their love and admiration grow for each other.
In today's world:
There are certainly those in our lives who speak truth into our lives and we get very defensive about our actions. Or am I the only one? (Hope not.) We are not sure if they are really "showing themselves friendly" because who in the world would speak in such a manner to us?!?! This could be someone you just met or someone who has known you forever, but for one reason or another they have your best interests at heart. Their words are completely self-less, and they know this because telling you the truth in love is more important to them than being liked. They would rather see you mature than have a superficial relationship with you.
I have been evaluating the people who are in my lives and, in a way, categorizing (labeling) them into one of these three "friendship categories." I have found many that fit into the first two, but only a cherished few who are in the last one. And here is what I want to say about that...
I have found my dear "Mr. Knightly" who, despite my many flaws and character deficiencies, cares about me and patiently waits for me to completely appreciate his love. I want to tell you, Mr. Knightley. "I see your care and concern and I value your friendship above all other friendships. I am still trying to settle the other false friendships in my life so that I can be freed up to fully appreciate your self-less, caring, and sacrificial love for me. Thank you for opening up my eyes to what true friendship looks like and waiting for me to appreciate YOU!"
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Red shoes....Yummy!!! Sexy!!! and Oh so hot!!!
OK - that's established. So what does that have to do with Petra, you might ask. That's a great question that I would be more than happy to answer this afternoon.
The other day I was pondering the question, "What is the difference in how a man makes me feel and how a man makes me feel about myself?" That's a deep question isn't it? And it's one that you might be wondering how I, a sometimes self-absorbed woman, came up with...and yes, I came up with it all on my own!
Well, I am going to tell you a few facts that may surprise a few of you. And for others of you who already know these facts, just bear with me because I do have a purpose for bringing these things up.
First, I was someone who, on most days, didn't think very highly of herself. I have a generally low self-esteem. Yes, I know all of the "factoids" about this condition and I don't like them, but the facts are what they are. I generally relied on others to boost my self-esteem with their praise.
Secondly, for about ten years I dealt with a husband who didn't find me beautiful. Shocker, right? What husband would have the audacity to say such a thing? Uhhh...MINE!!! Of course he would always qualify it and say that I was beautiful from the neck up. Leaving EVERY ONE, including me, to believe what?
Thirdly, for some odd reason, I equate inner beauty to outer and therefore, in light of No. 2, I must not be beautiful. And - follow my reasoning here - if I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't good, and therefore, I couldn't "do" good, and since I couldn't do good I really couldn't matter. Notice I said that "I" couldn't matter, not what I did?
So, after the divorce I started finding men who would make me feel good. And make me feel good they did! Temporarily. They made me laugh. They flattered me. They gave me a reason to be thankful for modern technology with use of the cell phone/texting and computers/emails/IM-ing. But guess what? The "feel good" stuff started fading out and I would have to go on to the next one to get that "feel good" back.(It was a vicious cycle, yes.)
Forward to June 2012. A man entered the scene and for some reason was unlike all the others. (Yeah, I'm sure some of you have heard THAT before.) This man was generous with his praise and also made me laugh and have a wonderful time. But the difference is that now, the joy came from within me, not from without! He is getting me to see that I am a precious child of the King and I am a Princess in every sense of the word. I am beautiful whether I wear makeup or not. Whether I am a size 6 or 16. Whether I get angry or I am happy. I, just by being myself, am good because I am being myself. I "do" good just by getting out of bed every morning and living the life GOd has given me. I do matter! I DO MATTER!!! I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am beautiful whether I act like a princess or not. And for many years I did NOT act very royal!
So...let's go back to the beginning of this post. I have a new pair of stellar, hot, and totally unneccessary shoes. I bought them yesterday because I feel like the princess I am when I put them on! I am beautiful and I deserve a pair of beautiful shoes! I feel good about being Petra! No, you do not need to bow before me as I walk by, because I am royalty, you know. But don't ever tell me I am anything less than who I REALLY am or I will have to kick your butt with my awesome new shoes (or at least poke your eye out with that stiletto heel!)
And here is what I want to tell all my girlfriends out there. You are royalty too, if you are a child of the King. You are beautiful, inside and out! You might not be in your stilettos, but you have SOMETHING that makes you feel beautiful. Find it and flaunt it - JUST BECAUSE!
And to all my male friends who may be reading this. You are royalty too. Please act like a Prince Charming to EVERY woman in your life! Help each woman find her slipper that makes her feel beautiful! Do it for her. Do it for the Lord. Do it for the future princes of the world who are looking for their princesses!
See...If you think about it, we are ALL living a fairy tale of sorts! We just all have different slippers and our prince looks different. But in every case there is a happy ending because the princess believes she looks beautiful to her prince!
And for those of you who are shoe fanatics like me, you should have seem the awesome purple ones I almost got as well! (Let me know if you want to see them cuz I have a great picture!)
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Food is a funny topic. I love food! I love finding new recipes and trying them - although I havn't done so as of late. I mean, I grew up in a German home and have intently watched my mother spend hours in the kitchen preparing authentic dishes. I traveled to Italy and took a cooking class while in Florence. What a wonderful experience, learning the art of Italian cuisine. I was in my own personal heaven.
So, here is what I was thinking today...There is such a huge difference between fast/snack food and that wonderfully delicious, filling, and nourishing Italian feast. And yet we all seem to gravitate towards the snack food when our bodies are really craving a meal.
And it is such with love as well. Think about it. I have , as many of you, tried to make a meal (long-lasting relationship) out of popcorn, chips, chocolate and ice cream. And what do we have to show for it? Heartburn, gas, indigestion and a fat belly! Yes, those quickie relationships are "fun for a season" aren't they? They give us a laugh or two, or maybe even three. They fill that craving we have...for immediate love (or is it just lust). They tell us just what we want to hear - that we are everything they want/need. They hold our hand and show affection, to show us they are sincere. And just when they decide to leave we realize that the heartburn starts to set in. And those "butterflies" we felt were just the beginning of the gas and indigestion setting in.
And how is it that we can be so blinded by the same "junk" over and over again? When are we going to realize that it will never be what we REALLY want or NEED?
So, what I have discovered about food is that a really good meal will be wonderful to taste, it will be nourishing and it may take a long time to prepare. And isn't it so with a relationship. So here is my recipe for love a true love:
Fantastical/Fairy-Tale Relationship
4 cups of Godliness
2 cups of Acceptance
2 cups of Security
1.5 cups of Trust
1.5 cups of Loyalty
1 cup of Royal treatment
1 cup of Care and Concern
Prayer
Humor
Take the first five ingredients and blend. Heat until there is opportunity to test the security, trust, and loyalty. Remove from heat and tend with care and concern. Cover with Prayer. Check occasionally to make sure acceptance is still present. Add acts of Royal treatment with a smile. Roll the whole thing in Humor, making sure that no impurities get picked up along the way. Serve each other in the love of the Lord for the rest of your lives.
So, what is keeping me from that "Fantastical/Fairy-Tale Relationship?"
Absolutely nothing! It's mine for the taking!
So, here is what I was thinking today...There is such a huge difference between fast/snack food and that wonderfully delicious, filling, and nourishing Italian feast. And yet we all seem to gravitate towards the snack food when our bodies are really craving a meal.
And it is such with love as well. Think about it. I have , as many of you, tried to make a meal (long-lasting relationship) out of popcorn, chips, chocolate and ice cream. And what do we have to show for it? Heartburn, gas, indigestion and a fat belly! Yes, those quickie relationships are "fun for a season" aren't they? They give us a laugh or two, or maybe even three. They fill that craving we have...for immediate love (or is it just lust). They tell us just what we want to hear - that we are everything they want/need. They hold our hand and show affection, to show us they are sincere. And just when they decide to leave we realize that the heartburn starts to set in. And those "butterflies" we felt were just the beginning of the gas and indigestion setting in.
And how is it that we can be so blinded by the same "junk" over and over again? When are we going to realize that it will never be what we REALLY want or NEED?
So, what I have discovered about food is that a really good meal will be wonderful to taste, it will be nourishing and it may take a long time to prepare. And isn't it so with a relationship. So here is my recipe for love a true love:
Fantastical/Fairy-Tale Relationship
4 cups of Godliness
2 cups of Acceptance
2 cups of Security
1.5 cups of Trust
1.5 cups of Loyalty
1 cup of Royal treatment
1 cup of Care and Concern
Prayer
Humor
Take the first five ingredients and blend. Heat until there is opportunity to test the security, trust, and loyalty. Remove from heat and tend with care and concern. Cover with Prayer. Check occasionally to make sure acceptance is still present. Add acts of Royal treatment with a smile. Roll the whole thing in Humor, making sure that no impurities get picked up along the way. Serve each other in the love of the Lord for the rest of your lives.
So, what is keeping me from that "Fantastical/Fairy-Tale Relationship?"
Absolutely nothing! It's mine for the taking!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Funny things, burns are. Sometimes they never heal. Have you noticed that?
Yeah, I have been burned many times in my past, from several "instruments" - iron, oven, stove, glue gun, candle flame...you get the picture. But this past month I was burned not once, not even twice, but THREE times! REALLY???? You betcha!!!
The first time was from a glue gun, making Christmas gifts. The second time was from an iron, getting ready for work. And the last time was from an old flame. Yes, as you all know, their fire burns the most, doesn't it? But, as a dear man asked me, in a very subtle way, "Petra, why do you continue to be drawn to those flames as a moth to a candle?" That is a fair question. But it is a question I am having a difficult time with in searching for an answer.
With burns resulting from an intrument whose temperature is hot, I can come up with an answer. I need to use those items to accomplish a task, whether it is cooking, crafting, or cleaning. And were I to avoid those things altogether I would accomplish nothing. I cannot be afraid of hot things just because I MAY get burned. Right? I mean would I be "me" if I didn't cook? I would venture to say no. And there are some in my life that would BEG me NOT to give that up! (You know who you are.) And I have been referred to as "crafty", not in the sense that I devise devious, self-serving plans (all the time, anyway), but that I enjoy working with my hands in creating something from nothing but my own imagination. And since ironing is soothing to me and is a small form of stress-relief, I refuse to stop that.
But when it comes to my heart, I seem to be drawn to the men who will, in the end, burn me to the point where I don't believe I can live through the excrutiating pain. So what's the deal? Someone once said, "Lunacy is doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results." So that begs the question, "What results do I truly want?" That's a great question. I just don't know if I have the answer. I thought I knew what I truly wanted, but that keeps getting me hurt. So now what? That's going to be a question. One I will have to put on the back burner for now and seek some good, godly counsel for.
In the meantime, I will cover the physical burns with aloe, hoping they won't turn into scars, although some inevitably will, causing me to remember the moment for a long time to come. I still haven't discovered a balm for a burn someone else causes me by breaking my heart. Until I find the balm or until I discover or uncover the "why" of being drawn to those who burn me, I will continue my life. I refuse to allow the pain to take what little life I have left from me. I may just be "trudging along" but I am still moving in a forward manner and that's all I really care about at this point.
Yeah, I have been burned many times in my past, from several "instruments" - iron, oven, stove, glue gun, candle flame...you get the picture. But this past month I was burned not once, not even twice, but THREE times! REALLY???? You betcha!!!
The first time was from a glue gun, making Christmas gifts. The second time was from an iron, getting ready for work. And the last time was from an old flame. Yes, as you all know, their fire burns the most, doesn't it? But, as a dear man asked me, in a very subtle way, "Petra, why do you continue to be drawn to those flames as a moth to a candle?" That is a fair question. But it is a question I am having a difficult time with in searching for an answer.
With burns resulting from an intrument whose temperature is hot, I can come up with an answer. I need to use those items to accomplish a task, whether it is cooking, crafting, or cleaning. And were I to avoid those things altogether I would accomplish nothing. I cannot be afraid of hot things just because I MAY get burned. Right? I mean would I be "me" if I didn't cook? I would venture to say no. And there are some in my life that would BEG me NOT to give that up! (You know who you are.) And I have been referred to as "crafty", not in the sense that I devise devious, self-serving plans (all the time, anyway), but that I enjoy working with my hands in creating something from nothing but my own imagination. And since ironing is soothing to me and is a small form of stress-relief, I refuse to stop that.
But when it comes to my heart, I seem to be drawn to the men who will, in the end, burn me to the point where I don't believe I can live through the excrutiating pain. So what's the deal? Someone once said, "Lunacy is doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results." So that begs the question, "What results do I truly want?" That's a great question. I just don't know if I have the answer. I thought I knew what I truly wanted, but that keeps getting me hurt. So now what? That's going to be a question. One I will have to put on the back burner for now and seek some good, godly counsel for.
In the meantime, I will cover the physical burns with aloe, hoping they won't turn into scars, although some inevitably will, causing me to remember the moment for a long time to come. I still haven't discovered a balm for a burn someone else causes me by breaking my heart. Until I find the balm or until I discover or uncover the "why" of being drawn to those who burn me, I will continue my life. I refuse to allow the pain to take what little life I have left from me. I may just be "trudging along" but I am still moving in a forward manner and that's all I really care about at this point.
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