Day 4

It was brought to my attention that my last post was vague, and in that it may have spawned some imaginations to run where I never intended them to. So…please allow me to clarify a few points.

In being brought up in a Christian and military home, there were many things that I taught were “wrong.” And as a teenager I lived by these rules because I knew that my parents loved me and only wanted the best for me. I understand that some things may seem over-the-top for some of you, but for others these guides are something you may have grown up with as well. I was taught that drinking and smoking harmed the body, so I avoided them. I was taught that using foul language was not a good reflection on myself, the Lord, or my parents. So I refrained from using foul language, although there were MANY times I may have wanted to. I was taught to act like a respectable young lady, and that flirting was not respectable. I was not to ever call a young man, because that showed desperation. A godly young woman did not do things to draw attention to herself in any way.

All that being said, in my last post I mentioned doing things to get a young man’s attention. In my naïveté I thought everyone thought like I did/do, but apparently I didn’t understand that in expressing some thoughts, they might be misconstrued as something much more deviant. I do not want people thinking or believing that I was promiscuous or that I had a secret life where I somehow rebelled against everything I was taught. It was not that at all.

Ok…let’s start again. There was a certain young man that I liked and I wanted his attention. OK, let’s get real here. There were several young men that I liked in high school and tried to get their attention. But this particular fellow had my eye from the get-go. I didn’t know how to behave so I started watching what the other young ladies were doing and how they seemed to be acting. I started flirting with this young man. I went so far as to find out his telephone number and secretly called him at home. Needless to say, when my mother discovered I was calling a young man, I got an earful of scolding! It deterred me - but only for a little while. I just got better at hiding things from my parents. I would call when they were out of the house. I would flirt, shamelessly, while at school. This was NOT who I was raised to act like. I was not the kind of person to rebel against my parents. I was not the kind of person to hide my thoughts and feelings from people. I was not raised to put my desires and intentions “out there” to be trampled on by those who didn’t know how tender my heart truly was.

So, back to yesterday’s post. When I said that views became skewed, I meant that I started acting, to what I knew to be right, shamefully. And I am ashamed. Because those actions when I first started high school continued throughout high school. I got better and better at blurring the lines, and, before long, I was calling the boys that I liked all the time, not caring what my parents thought. I flirted all the time, and that caused me to think things that I knew I shouldn’t - not until I was much older and married! (Yes, I am somewhat of a prude.)

Do you want to know something interesting? All the things that I did to get the attention of guys? Never really worked. In fact one guy actually told me that he never found those actions appealing. Why did he wait until senior year! Oh well. And the original young man whose attention I so desperately wanted? Never got it. Not until graduation day. Then it was too late. And I am biting my tongue even now so that I won’t mention his name because I am so embarrassed. He has likely moved on as has everyone else from 30 years ago! Most of the guys from high school probably haven’t even given me a second thought through the years, and that is just fine with me. Why? Because that girl in high school was young and stupid. I don’t want them to remember that person. I would love for everyone to meet the REAL me. The one who is confident in herself. She is secure in her position in the Lord and won’t compromise her values for someone. She values those traditional values that her parents taught her so many years ago and no longer sees them as moot. She “knows” things. She no longer thinks she “knows it all.”

Hopefully this clears up any confusion anyone might have had.

And, by the way, all these remembrances of high school are interesting. I looked through my senior yearbook and realized that I was so wrapped up in myself and trying to be someone other than myself that I really had very few friends. Sad.