Day 3

Envy and jealousy are interesting foes. We have all dealt with them at one time or another, haven’t we? Today I want to focus on the object(s) of that envy. This is going to be really tough for me because I am going to be laying my soul open for criticism. But may I ask a favor? Please examine my reasoning before judging me too harshly. We all have our sins and we have to answer to the Lord for those sins. I have accepted forgiveness for these, but at the same time I need to learn from my mistakes. Maybe in the next few minutes you will be able o examine your own life and allow my struggle and lessons help you to heal a bit.

I have had struggles with jealousy for about…..well, for always, I suppose. When I was but a small child I remember wanting to be the center of attention in my class. I was jealous for attention. I wanted to have the best grades and have the teachers “see something special in me.” I was jealous for their favor. I would go to school and can remember having jealous thoughts of the nicer clothes that they wore. My parents struggled most of their lives, as I am sure many parents did back then. Mom would, many times, give up something she wanted or needed in order for me to have the best that money could buy, but to me, as a child, that never seemed to be enough.

I grew to be a teenager, and those feelings of envy followed me all the way to Kentucky! Now I found myself the “new girl” and I am trying to find my “niche” but it is difficult to do when so many people in the school have grown up and lived in the same area and go to school together. But I make an attempt nonetheless. My jealousies flare because I cannot seem to garner the attention of those that I want to become friends with. I am jealous of their friendships. And here is where I begin my dangerous journey. When a teenager attempts to find favor with people, they do things that they either know are wrong or they give up being “themselves” and try to be someone else that they believe will draw attention to themselves. I did both. And the result lasted me until I was well into my early forties.

I remember there was a young man that I really liked and I really wanted him to notice me. I started doing things that I knew to be skewed from what I was taught to believe was correct. But I knew it did get his attention. I loved that. But then again, I knew, deep down it was wrong. I was slowly melding into someone who compromised her values because she was jealous for the attention of someone. This behavior continued throughout my high school years and I found myself having lots of friends, but nobody knew me that well. My jealousy for friends caused me to begin lying to my parents so that I could “measure up” to what my “friends” at school had and did. And because of that I never truly gave 100%. Now, some of you are scratching your heads and wondering what planet I come from, while others know exactly what I am talking about. I applaud those of you who don’t understand. Why? Because you are probably the ones who stayed true to yourselves and made some lifelong friends in the process. You are the ones who never were jealous because you had the very thing I and a few others didn’t have - security.

I graduated and moved on, got married, had children, moved out of the area and started living my life, and realized I was STILL jealous! I had a husband, money, family, and a rich life, but I still felt I didn’t have enough. Why do you suppose that is? I think I now know. I wasn’t being true to myself. I was jealous of those who were content. I had always wanted more. I was jealous of those that had formed life-long friendships. I had no lasting friendships. I was jealous of those who were in Kentucky and liked it. I had moved around so much and thought that was what I wanted. I realized it was not what I, indeed, wanted. I was still jealous of the very same things I was while younger,

So here I am again, looking backwards. I wonder where I went wrong. I wonder what I lacked. I wonder why I could never get what I THOUGHT I wanted. Well, some of you may have already figured this out, but it took me all this time to see it…I was insecure. I gave up being myself way back then and I “lost” my identity - my true identity. I had tried to be someone I wasn’t and gave up some good, life-lasting friendships. (Or at least I believe that to be true now.) I see that my “style” was never going to please everyone, and I find that those who were secure in that area all along are doing just fine! The guys that I tried so desperately to get the attention of, well, they may or may not have liked the real me. And in trying to be someone else I MAY have missed opportunities of getting to know some really great guys.

So, I find myself looking back at my high school years and having regrets. Regrets about being jealous when there was no call to be. I regret not trusting in the God Who created me to be myself, but instead trying to be what I thought was what I needed to be. I regret not allowing so many people in high school a chance to get to know the real me. I am so very sorry that I didn’t give you that chance. I am so sorry for not giving myself a change. Please forgive me and know that I am secure enough in myself now that I can be contented with whatever our futures hold.