Packing...I have been through this process before.  This is the fourth time in less than two years.  I am looking forward to this move the most.  I have the Lord's blessing in this.  But there is another differerence that I am just now putting my finger on.

I just spent almost a week in Europe discovering who I really am and what is important in my life.  It was a wonderful time of reflection and I went without several of the simplicities of life in the states.  I saw how much I packed to take over and realized that I needed a fraction of it after all.  I came home determined to be more appreciative of the little things. 

So, here I am up to my eyeballs in boxes realizing that I am WAY over my head with this "packing" venture.  I have so much stuff!  I have thought about just leaving everything and starting over.  Not financially feasible.  I have thought about throwing up my hands and not moving at all.  Not emotionally or mentally feasible.  Then I talked with a very dear friend and I am reminded of the real reason I am moving.  I am reminded of that intestinal fortitude that I do possess, inherited from my German roots.  I have been doubly blessed with boldness and courage: heritage and experience. 

So, again.  Here I am surrounded by all of the material blessings and I choose to make the decision to press on, full-force, and prove to myself that I can, indeed, make this happen.  I will not let the Lord down by giving up now.  I will spend endless evenings placing my belongings in boxes and recalling all the memories that are associated with them.  I will take mornings and afternoons making sure that all of the necessary arrangements are made.  I will not close my eyes until a list is made of all the things that are needed to be done is written out.

I am still learning.  I am learning that my life will never be the same.  I am still experiencing.  I am experiencing the strength and mercies of the Lord that are renewed every day.  I am still praying.  I am still praying that I can be everything that He has created me to be.  I am still discovering.  I am discovering that the new life He is calling me to holds so much more than I ever dreamed or imagined.    I am so excited about my new life! 

"I am the vine, you are the branches..."  Until you actually see a vine up close and personal, like those I saw and learned about in Tuscany, you really can't comprehend those words.  Those grapevines in Italy, as well as other places in the world, prove to be a valuable lesson of the Christian life.  My tour guide in Rome, told us all about the soil and every detail about those vines and what makes them grow.  His purpose was to show the quality of the wine produced.  I learned so much more than that.

Let's see, where do I start?  Let's start with the soil.  Did you know that the best soil to grown grapevines in is clay and rocky soil?  That's right!  Now don't think that just because you live in the south and have clay soil you can make grapes grow. (Well, maybe you can...) Here's the reason.  The clay and rocks make the roots really work to get down deep and strong. The deeper the roots, and the stronger, the better the fruit!  Now, I was told, it does take time for this to happen.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It could take YEARS for those roots to get deep enough to be strong.

OK. This is all nice and good, but how does this affect me, a person who doesn't have any immediate plans to go and buy a grapevine right away?  Well, as a woman who has been through a lot of "rocky" places in the last few years, I can tell you that I can see where my roots in the Lord have definitely gotten deeper. Some of the relationships I have have gone through in this muck of the soil, have made me stronger.  I am able to get my "grounding" once again.  What is the result of this?  Well, according to those winery afficianados, I will have sweeter fruit!  Wonderful!  I could use some sweet fruit!

Now let's go back to that vine reference.  Many of us who have grown up in church have heard about the pruning process.  It is a nice little "story", isn't it?  Only if you, yourself, haven't been through that pruning process!  I KNOW that Jesus is the vine and I am a product of His doing.  There is NOTHING I could have done to earn my place as a branch.  I just "am."  But along with that rocky, clay soil, I have been pruned.  People, places, and things have been removed from my life.  For what reason?  For that sweet fruit, again. 

What do I want from my life?  I want others to see sweet, juicy fruit!  I don't want people to see the scarred branch.  I don't want them to even see the clay, rock-filled soil.  I want them to see that gorgeous Vine and the luscious grapes dangling down, ready to be harvested!  When that happens I will know that all that root-growth and pruning that took place in my life was all worth it!

Now if I could just understand what that "fruit" is.  Or is it even important for me to know?  Hmmmmm.

Today I want to explore the difference in "having a voice" and "being heard." 

In my life I knew I always had a voice.  When I hit forty, I started using it a whole lot more then when I was twenty-two. I had not "discovered" my voice at that young of an age.  I felt more at ease in speaking my mind later in life.  I had thoughts and opinions, I realized, that others didn't share or didn't want to hear.  (Maybe that is why I had remained silent for so many years.)  And when I turned 44 and saw that my own family were the very ones who didn't want to hear my opinions and thoughts, and didn't regard them as important as their own, I realized something was terribly wrong!  I was walking along, unaware that I was not a complete person.  I was forced to comply with the thoughts and wishes of everyone around me. It wasn't as if I couldn't or wouldn't compromise.  I just wanted my voice to be valued and "heard."

There was a period of time I was in limbo.  I knew I had a voice and could speak, but I was still in unchartered territory.  I didn't know how or when to use that voice.  And more importantly, I wasn't sure if I was being heard.  I brought people into my life who I believed were listening. But I realize now that the majority of them were just listening.  They were not truly "hearing" my voice that was struggling to discover it's own identity.  How do know this to be true?  When I said something "deep" or profound , I would get a perfunctory, "uh-huh", or "ok."  Or even worse, "But, this is how I see it...."  This is not what my heart longed for!

Then....something amazing happened (which I am still praising God for). I met someone who not only heard my heart and my "voice" but encouraged me to use my voice in any way possible to express my heart. I have discovered I have so much to say and it feels wonderful to actually "let it out" in a way that may, in some small way, bring honor and glory to the One who gave me that voice.  I can actually speak with my mouth, write on paper, or on the computer.  No matter how, when, why, or what I have to say, my voice IS important.  The Lord gave me this voice to be heard.  And in doing so, I will make some mistakes along the way.  I will hurt some people (unintentionally).  I may even embarrass myself.  BUT....I will never be able to effectively get used to using my voice and having that voice heard unless I practice and have someone who will allow me to make those mistakes and bring me back around to using  it in a wonderful, encouraging, uplifting, and fruitful way.

Thank you so very much my dear friend (you know who you are).  I will be forever grateful for your kindness and wisdom.

Looking at the title of this blog,"Journey to a Healing Heart," I am reminded, once again, why I took this trip to Europe.  I am so blessed to have been able to make this trip and the Lord made it all possible!

A dear friend recently asked me, "How have you grown or changed from this trip?"  What a great question!  I mean, I knew it would change me.  I knew it would make me grow. I knew it would open my eyes to many things I had not seen in my soul.  But to actually meditate on that question made me realize that I am on a journey, a journey to a healing heart.  And this trip is just a jump-start to a beautiful outcome!

So I guess you might be wondering,  "Well, what HAS she learned?" I would be more than happy to tell you.  Before leaving the states I knew I was independent.  I had an "I can do this myself" attitude.  Well, I have come to discover that this is pretty much true - when it comes to other people.  I have come to trust the Lord and His provisions and strength for my every step.  I am grateful for the people He was brought into my life to guide me and help me along the way.  But I am fully capable of living life alone, with my Savior the rest of my days, if that is what He calls me to do.  So, when I return to the states, I will continue with my attitude of gratefulness and praise and patiently wait for Him to show me the next step in my journey.

What else have I learned?  I have learned to be grateful for the little things that I have in this life:  my health, my eyesight, water, a cool breeze, family, and good friends.  A person truly can not appreciate these things unless they are without them for a time.  (I wish someone had told me this before, but I guess it was a lesson I needed to learn here.) 

I have learned that the Lord puts a dream in your heart, NOT to be guarded and kept there, but to live it out - TO IT'S FULLEST!  For the longest time I have dreamed of going to Italy.  I wanted to smell the food.  I wanted to see the beauty.  I wanted to hear the sounds of a market.  I wanted to determine if this was a place I could spend the rest of my days.  This was a dream.  I got scared for a little bit.  I feared that I would get here and it would not be everything I hoped it would be.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to understand the language (which I still don't).  I feared that I would be disappointed in finding out this was MY dream and not a dream the Lord had placed in my heart.  But you know what?  I KNOW this dream was given to me by the Lord.  I know because the minute I stepped off the train in Venice I felt so much joy and peace!  This can ONLY come from the Lord.

Yes, I have learned so much and I have grown.  I am still on a journey though.  I will continue to learn and grow once my feet hit American soil (or pavement, whichever the case may be).  I am looking forward to each person the Lord will bring into my life, whether it is for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  And if you are reading this blog, you obviously fall into one of those categories.  Thank you so much for reading!  I appreciate your friendship, and look forward to seeing what part you will play in my growth.  You are all on this journey with me, whether you play an active role or not.  Bless you.

Time.  I have noticed that it mean something different to everyone, or does it? 

Have you ever noticed that if you are traveling in a car to go on vacation, it takes forever? And yet you can make the same trip home and it doen´t take near as long?  Someone once commented that it is because you are looking forward to your vacation and not to going home.  I tend to disagree because there are MANY times I am more excited to get home; I wanted to sleep in my own bed, get away from crowds, and just relax (because that absolutely did NOT happen on vacation!).  Why is a week´s vacation too little for some and too long for others?  Why is a six-hour car trip too long for some and for others it is something they wouldn´t mind doing? 

And here I am on the trip of a lifetime, relaxing at this moment, and the time just seems to stand still at times.  What is the deal?  The flight here took forever. The last two weeks seemed more like a month.  I have no idea how long the next 10 day will last, other than 10 days.  Why, at one time, does a three and a half week trip of a lifetime seem like it just isn´t enough and at other times it seems like it is just dragging on? 

Perspective.  It´s all in the perspective you have.  And this perspective is gained by past experiences.  ´Think about it.  This is true with everything in life. Vacations, jobs, relationships, chores, just plain "life."

But this is just one snippet in the scheme of things, isn´t it?  The Scripture say that to the Lord a thousand years is like a day and a day as a thousand years.  I just hope that the little time I have on the earth and the snippets of time I spend doing things, will change my life in such a way to make a change in how I spend eternity.  May I be happy in the times I have to wait for things to come to pass, thankful that I have been blessed.  May I take the moments in every relationship and live them to their fullest. May I be thankful for the job I have and not waste time wishing I had something else. 

Whether you have 5 minutes, 5 weeks, or 5 years....make them count!  I am going to make the next 10 days in Italy count for something!  I will live life to it´s fullest!  I will share a smile with everyone I meet.  I will embrace new challenges the Lord puts in my path. I will cherish a text from home and pray for the person on the other end.  I will thank the Lord for the "time", whether great or small, He has given me.

Viva la Italia!

What is my "truth" about family today?

Great question!  Glad you asked.  I eluded to it in my previous post.  My truth is that family is great but we all need to deal with the mess we continue to cover up.  The truth is, my family is strong.  It is independent.  It is self-reliant.  It is loving.  It is selfless.  But the truth is ALSO that it is prideful.  It can be stubborn.  It can be rude.  It can be hurtful.  It can be bossy.

I can see all of these characteristics in myself.  And I pray that as I grow in the Lord I will slowly become less prideful, less stubborn, more kind, more generous, more encouraging, and more polite.  I believe that because I recognize the good, the bad and the ugly in my life, the good will become more prominent and the bad and ugly will be slowly fazed out. 

I took a walk this afternoon in this quaint and charming town.  It is nestled in the Alps.  But because of the tall buildings (4 floors) and massive foliage on the trees and everything so close together, I wasn´t able to actually see the mountains.  I began walking out of town in order to get to a place where I thought I might see the mountains better.  I just kept walking and it didn´t seem as if I was actually getting anywhere.  I wanted to guage where I was in reguard to my hotel so I turned around. What I saw brought tears to my eyes.  There were those beautiful mountains I was seeking all along! 

I like making connections to where I am in my soul, so here is the correlation:

I try looking for answers to so many questions in my life; Who am I?  What am I doing here?  Where did I come from?  Where am I going?  And the answer is....I will find all those answers WHILE I am surrounded by the fortress of my Lord!  I found all the answers I was searching for.  There is no more. Not on this topic anyway.  Now I just need to rest in Him Who brought me to this place in my life and trust He will do everything to mold me and shape me in to the person I was created to be.  And as long as I am willing to trust Him, He will bring this to pass.

Family and Truth....what is the connection?  If you were to have asked me this question a month ago, I wouldn´t have had a clue what you were asking me.  Today is another day, though.  And in order to understand the question I had to come to Germany and actually meet my family - the extended family, that is.  And in seeing them and getting to know them, I have so many more questions about myself than when I first got here.  Who am I a product of?  How did I come to be the person I am?  What did I have to go through to become the person I am today?  What did I believe about family and what do I believe now?

These are questions that run deep.  They caused me to dig into my very soul and question, "What is the truth?" And "Why do I believe these truths?"

I have a very large extended family.  My father has five brothers and a sister who live in the states.  My mother has twelve brothers and sisters; most of whom live in Germany.  ( I have been able to visit with six of them in the last 2 weeks.)  So, to ask, "who am I a product of" goes back MUCH further than my parents!  And this is one of the reasons I am here in Germany.  To find out where my mother came from, so I can get a better idea to where I came from. 

I am a product of my family, not just my mom and dad - that´s the truth.  And, like every family, there are good and bad qualities, aren´t there?  But the truth is, also, that we all have a choice to make. We can either sweep the bad under the carpet and hope and pray that the generations to follow will not trip over the pile of dirt under that rug (that somehow has gotten to be a hill of dirt!) OR we can deal with that dirt and sweep it out the door where it will not cause the pain and hurt for generations to come.  So what is my truth? My family has a lot of pain and hurt due to the piles of dirt that have been swept under the rug.  And today I am paying the consequences for someone else´s schmutz! 

But I cannot place blame.  What I need to do is help those with the dirt to deal with it and "fix" it so that they can heal, I can heal and I can help undo the hurt and pain I may have caused the next generation.  And how, pray tell, am I to do this?  By lovingly recording it in a book.  Yes, I am writing a book.  I am going to "expose" many areas of dirt that MUST be dealt with.  I am not doing this to cause hurt and pain in the lives of those who came before me.  I am not doing this to embarrass anyone who came before me.  Want to know why?  I have the same problems!  And in causing pain and embarrassment would only serve to do this to myself! So, my truth is that I have problems that stem back a few generations.

I have come to be the person I am today because I believed the truths of those who came before me by saying that all was well.  But the truth that they saw was not truth at all, but a lie.  I believe that I can turn this around.  I believe I can because there are a few in the family who have seen the truth and have chosen to believe this and have started dealing with the grime in their lives.  What a wonderful thing to see!  No, grime is not pretty, but the trust these individuals have in the ONE Who can make clean is a beautiful sight!  And I have recently witnessed how the Lord wants to do the same in my life.

More to follow another time.

"Mood Music"

How can two words change so much? Changes thoughts. Change "mood." Change my day!!!

Today I am stressed out because in less than 24 hours I will be on my way to Germany!  I am so excited, but I want to enjoy instead of stress.  So my answer? Music, of course! Norah Jones,  John Mayer, Adele, Colbie Calait, Jack Johnson....they just are able to put me in the right frame of mind.  So here I am - packed, house cleaned, dishes done, have nothing to "get done" and just happy that I am able to actually embark on this dream!  I am so excited about checking this off of my bucket list!

But, listen.  I know the propriety of a well-placed artist!  While I am walking the canals of Venice, strolling along the piazza in Siena, and admiring the statue of David in Florence, you can bet I will be listening to Vivaldi's tunes.

And when I am missing someone special from home, I will be listening to ZZ Top.  It will put me right there!

So, I am looking forward to coming home and having a whole new appreciation for art, artists of all kinds, and music.  For it will have taken me to new places - if only in my mind.