In my "Journey to a Healing Heart", I have found that my growth comes in pain.  I am really looking forward to "arriving."  The journey is becoming too unbearable.

Even looking back on all the posts....all the really good thoughts and posts come AFTER a pain causes me to pour out my heart in tears!  I have taken up writing, as most of you know.  Most of the really good stuff comes when I can barely see the computer screen through the tears flooding my eyes.  The words just flow...just like the tears down my cheeks.  SEE!!! There's that good stuff again!!!

But for once I would really like to have a season in my life where I can relax, know where my head is and be at peace in my spirit.  I did have it for a while and I was writing...can't I have that back?  Well, I girl can ask anyway, right?  Even if it is just a pipe dream?

And speaking of dreams...Is it wrong to have them?  At first I thought not, but now I am beginning to wonder.  Seriously...do dreams ever come true?  And do they look like you are expecting?  How do you recognize the "dream come true" if it's not what you pictured? 

This morning I was watching one of my favorite pastors - Dr. Charles Stanley. His son, Andy, was interviewing him and asked a question, "How do you reconcile putting God first in your life and setting goals?"  (I thought it was a very appropriate and timely question for me.)  His answer was very good.  He basically said that he obeyed God first and then he sets his goals. If they don't line up with what the Word says or if the Lord just tells him to cross it off, he does. 

I want to be like that.  I want to be so close to the Lord that He speaks to me that audibly!  I have done everything else and it seems to line up with the Word fine and I still fail...and terribly! So now what?  I have asked the Lord for signs.  I have prayed and fasted.  I just can't seem to get it right.

But for some reason I still have dreams.  The realization of those dreams seems so foreign to me though.  Should I stop having the dreams?  Change the dreams? Not expect them to come to fruition?

Do things come full circle? What does that imply?  I think it means that things start where they left off after going in a circle.  Someone recently suggested that I had come "full circle."  I am not sure I like that analogy and here is why.  I don't want to believe I have been going in circles.  I would rather see myself as having fallen off the path the Lord has prepared for me over thirty years ago, and I have now arrived. 

Allow me to tell you a short story.  Thirty-three years ago, I met a young man in my church youth group.  I was a wide-eyed, smitten, teenaged girl who was totally in awe.  But I was just a plain girl and this young man didn't "see" me.  Through the years of attending youth groups, church, choir practices and fellowships, this young man started to fall in love with me.  We had our good times and bad times.  We dated on and off.  We fell in love. We loved each other.  But things happened...things that tore us apart.  We went our separate ways for twenty-seven years and in those years we grew, matured, and got older.

What else happened in those years?  I've loved...despite what others might say.  I have loved a few men.  I have loved them for certain character traits.  I have loved them for what I believed them to be.  I have loved them for who they were not and for who they were.  I loved them for how they made me feel at the time.  I have loved them for taking me away from a situation in which I didn't want to be.  I have loved them for teaching me new things about myself, the Lord, and this world which we live in. 

"What happened to him?" you might ask.  Well, he lived his life, doing the best he could in each situation, learning about himself.  But the biggest thing that happened to him was he learned that one mistake can set in motion circumstances that changed the course of history, as he knew it.  He never stopped thinking about or loving his first love.  He always wondered "what if"? 

Neither one of us believe in "happenstance" or "coincidence", so when a customer came in to where I work and we spoke, it set off a chain of events that spiraled as quickly and strongly as a tornado comes and changes entire landscapes.

Now, where do we find ourselves?  Have we come "full circle"?  Or have we simply both fallen off the path that the Lord had chosen for us from the very beginning?  God has His perfect will and then there is His permissive will.  What we believe is that we have been, for the last 30 years, living His permissive will, wandering in and out of lonely places.  Now, after all this time, we have found His perfect will and we no longer want to live anywhere else but right there - in the place He created for us all along. "What God has joined together, let no man separate."

What do people mean by the phrase "Be true to yourself"?  I'm not sure I ever lie to myself.  And does it mean I can me untrue to others?  I'm not sure I really get it.  Seriously, I think I know what they are trying to imply.  "Do what you want to do and don't worry about what anyone thinks."  But is that Biblical?  That's the real question, isn't it?  If I decide to be true to myself does that give me an excuse for my actions, even if they don't line up with the Word?

What I am going to interpret that phrase to mean is this, "Take a good look at yourself and what your true character is. Act on that."  If my true character has me as a selfish person, I will act on a matter no matter the consequences.  If my true character is that of kindness, I will act on a matter, but it will be difficult for me because I try to spare another's feelings.  The matter must be acted on no matter what your character. 

Let me give an example, if I may.  Let's say I am offered two different jobs.  The first job has me working in a small cubicle working with numbers.  The pay is a little above minimum wage and benefits. The second job has me working with people in customer service and pays.  Many people in this economy would take the job that paid more, right?  But what if I is was introvert?  Would taking a job in customer service be "true to oneself"?  I think not.  And if I accepted that job, who would benefit from that act?  Possibly nobody. 

What is my character?  What do I believe?  What desires has the Lord lain on my heart?  Am I being "true to myself" in all things?  Or am I merely doing the best that I think I can and hoping that things will just "work out?"  Who am I hurting when I am not being true to myself?  I am hurting others around me.  I am not being honest in all my actions and words. I am hurting myself.  I will eventually regret so many acts.  In a way, I am lying to myself and to others, am I not?

So, today, I want to make a commitment to ensure that I know WHO I am and WHOSE I am.  Then once I truly understand that, move forward in being "true to myself" and others.

So I said I wanted to continue my previous conversation.  As a believer, I have always been taught the real meaning on Christmas.  Every time I got a little out of control with "wish lists" I was brought down a few pegs to see that "things" are not what Christmas is all about. 

I began thinking about family at this time of the year.  I have been blessed - truly.  For a season of time I had an immediate family.  I spent a few years alone, but I know that I was not really alone.  The Lord was always there with me.  And now that I have relocated to KY I have entered another season of my life.  I live close enough to my parents to not be alone, but I also have a new relationship that may be the onset of new traditions.  I am blessed. 

However.....

In working for the last few weeks, ALREADY decorating the store with Christmas decor and listening to music, displaying wonderful movies, music, and ornaments, being totally surrounded by the Lord and His birth, I am reminded that even believers have the real meaning of Christmas slightly skewed.  Yes, family and friends are important. Yes, giving is more special than receiving.  Yes, things are over-rated.  But to put anyone or ANYTHING before remembering our Lord's birth and the holiness of this Babe in the manger, is forgetting the REAL meaning of Christmas.  Even those people who spend time picking out the "perfect" creche scene and finding a place of honor for that scene in their home are just slightly missing the mark.  (Now that I think of this, is this bordering idolotry?  Just thinking.)

So, here I sit in my recliner thinking about my relationship with my Saviour.  What would He want me to do during this time of the year, and the whole year through?  Who does He want me to be with?  What does He want me to do with my time, talents, and resources?  Does He recieve any honor or glory if I am stressing out about what foods to prepare?  Does He put any weight to my piddly efforts of making extra money in order to buy the "perfect" gift for that special person?  Is He pleased that I lay my talents aside (that He has blessed me with, by the way) because I would rather do what I want to do with my own time?

I have to be honest.  All this is so much easier said than done. I go to work and talk with people all day long.  I am humbled that I get the opportunity to work with such wonderful people who love the Lord and love each and every ministry opportunity presented to them.  It is easy to "remember" the real meaning of Christmas there.  But the minute I walk through my front door, something happens.  Somehow it becomes "all about me".  It's about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.  It's about NOT having a family to think about.  It's about sitting and doing what I want to do and NOT asking what the Lord wants me to do.

So, let's come full circle.  Now that I see what Christmas is NOT about.  Now that I have decided what I SHOULDN'T do.  What am I actually going to do about all of this?  I have to admit, I have a difficult time even writing it because it will mean you might hold me accountable.  Well, I think my first step is loving people.  When a person takes the time to love, you get to know that person and what they need in their life.  I want to do what the Lord lays on my heart to meet that need.  I want to be His hands and feet.  I might see a potential gift for a person and imagine the look on his or her face were they to open it, BUT....it would still be about MY pleasure wouldn't it.  I am determined to make this about my being the vessel through which the Lord will bless others.  And hopefully, it will not stop but continue through the rest of the year.

Who's with me?

Haves and Have-nots

Boy do I feel lazy today!  My inability to formulate a thoughts to put in a blog has got me wondering about the choices I have made here lately!  This is because the down-time that I have had has been spent doing piddly stuff instead of actually being productive.  That thought has got me to thinking about the "haves" and the "have nots", especially during this time of the year.  Do you consider yourself in one of these categories?  Well, I believe that I can give you a formula to determine where you might stand.

During the holiday season I find myself always comparing this year with the previous years, whether it is the weather, the traditions, the gifts, or the mental state in which I find myself.  And now that I am in a different "place" than I had been for many years I am finding that the recollections are a little more real than in the last couple of years.  For two years I have been away from what I had considered the "norm" (disfunctional as that might have been).  The holidays are very different now.  I can start my own traditions, go back to my childhood ones, or find a combination of both.  And this is where I find myself today.

No, Thanksgiving hasn't even come, but working in a place where Christmas is already in full-swing with the music, lights, and decor, has caused me to examine what I "want."  When I look at the time when I was married, even though I didn't necessarily see it at the time, I was part of the "have" group.  I had everything I needed AND wanted.  And I expected that to continue.  Then came the divorce.  Now I was alone but was expecting the "same".  How was that going to happen?  Who was going to provide for me the things I wanted and needed?  Yes, I was assured that the Lord was going to provide for my needs.  I was never going to go without shelter or food.  But for so long this had not been enough.  I "wanted" more! 

I knew people from my past, and I have met more just recently, that barely had the necessities to live.  Whether by poor choices or by circumstances, these people struggle to keep food on the table and wonder how they are going to pay for rent, gas for the car, or electric bill.  These people are in the "have-not" category, right?  I am finding myself more and more in this category, but not a huge worry.  I know I need to be more frugal. 

So, how can you tell which category you are in?  Well, ask yourself, "What do I want for Christmas?"  Your answer will likely determine your position.  "I would love to have the new techie toy."  "That beautiful piece of jewelry really has caught my attention."  "That big screen TV would look wonderful on my wall."  If your answer tend to be in this category, you likely are in the "have" category.  You have gotten used to the idea of having things, right?  However...  "I would like to have my family together for a nice dinner."  "I want to see my parents healthy."  "Having the whole family around the Christmas tree." ...these are answers of those who are definitely in the "have-not" category.  So, where are you standing?

I don't know, but the ones who are in the "have-not" category just  seem to understand a little more about what the season is all about.  Or do they?

Stay tuned for my next blog where I examine where I am finding myself more and more during the Christmas season.

Have you ever thought about time in increments?  What was the most memorable year in your life?  What about a week?  What was the best day?  What made these times "memorable?" 

I had an interesting week.  Started a new job. trying to remember all sorts of new information. Realizing that my body isn't recovering as quickly to the stresses of a full day.  This week caused me to, in what little down-time I had, think about where I am in my life and what has happened in recent years.  I am coming around to my topic. I am thinking about time.  A four-hour shift can fly by when you are having fun, but when your feet feel as if they are about ready to explode, an hour can DRAG by!

Then I watched a documentary on Italy by Rick Steves again.  I was back in Venice, remembering every step I took, every building I saw, every gondola.....you get the picture.  I did so much when I was there.  Time flew by, literally.  I was only there for 20 hours and 8 of those were spent sleeping.  I bought Venetian glass in Murano, lace in Burano, a beautiful Carnivale mask right outside of Saint Mark's Square, and rode a vaparetto up and down the Grand Canal about six times.  List of things I would do if I had more time are endless!  So when I think about the best 20 hours of my time in Europe, I think of Venice. 

The longest 20 hours of my time in Europe?  The cummulative time I spend in Florence.  It DRAGGED on!  Just not the city for me, I guess.

But let's talk about a longer time frame.  I was married for 23 years and a few times it felt like it dragged on.  But for the most part it flew by...the time I mean.  And there were times within that 23 years that I wished would have lasted longer.  The first years of my children's lives.  Seeing the look in the eyes of my children on Christmas morning.  Hearing, "I love you, Mommy."  Are you "feeling me" here?

The last two years, in some respects, have felt so long!  And I think I know why.  I wasn't "alive", I was just living.  I was going from day to day, week to week, packing, unpacking, paying bills, working, dating occasionally, getting engaged, planning a wedding that fell apart as quickly as it began, and being depressed.  I am exhausted thinking about it all.

THEN...I woke up to life!  I went to Europe, came back to find my Sweetie, moved to KY, got a dream job and am ALIVE!  Now time is flying by!  And I am not so sure I like it.  What am I going to do?

I know I have said this before, but writing sure is good for the soul!  I have been writing now for a few months and the more I write, the more I WANT to write.  It brings out all kinds of emotions in me.  Emotions that I thought I had repressed rather well as well as emotions that I am rather glad to express.

A little over a week ago, I  wrote a full chapter for a book that I want to actually complete.  I have the entire outline completed (Yes, Mr. Wells, I actually learned from your college prep English class!).  I started in the middle though because I was “feeling it.”  And as I finished, the emotion I came away with was that of compassion.  One day I will actually complete the story and you all will be able to read it.  But I saw that we all show compassion in the little things we do.  No matter how much we ourselves are hurting, we are able to show compassion to others.

In a few of the blog posts I have written I have felt sadness.  When I write about loss, of course.  But at the same time I am keenly aware that the more often I “talk” about the sadness, the pain decreases.  And I know that there are some of you out there that are encouraged in your own lives that good can still come out of the pain.

I just now finished another page for YET ANOTHER book.  It, like the first one, was started somewhere in the middle, but as I was writing it tears were pouring down my face.  It is a dream that is so vivid in my mind and my hope so great, that I can almost feel the relief it will be when that dream comes true!  Emotion?  Pure happiness.  Maybe it is this particular dream that keeps me going each day.  (Are you interested in reading this?)

I wrote a little poem to my Muse the other day and I felt love.

I wrote a journal entry and I felt confusion.

I wrote a letter to my daughter and felt frustration.

I write and express myself in so many ways.  It always seems to come across like a balm to my soul.  The positive feelings are reassuring.  The negative ones seem to grow less potent and hurtful.  Moving forward…That’s what writing keeps me doing.

"Good Grief!"  I have heard that phrase so many times in my lifetime, but I am just now truly believing it. "What are you believing, exactly?" You might ask. Well, that grief can be good.  It CAN be. 

When I was in college I remember taking a Psych class in which I was taught the stages of grief: Doubt, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA, as I refer to it).  I prided myself in being able to distinguish which "stage" a person was going through after a loss.  One of my gifts is being able to help, and knowing what I am dealing with gives me a little wisdom in knowing how to be of service.  But when it comes to myself, well, that is a different story.

I have been told that a divorce is a "loss."  The death of a marriage needs to be mourned.  I can understand that. Hopes, dreams, shared memories....those are gone.  Just as if a loved one passes into the next life, those things are gone.  The one left behind must also give up hopes, dreams and shared memories. They must start anew. I must to start anew. 

I recall a time when I doubted that "this" was happening.  "He would never do this."  "It's not going to go through."  "He will change his mind."  "This really isn't happening to me."  "How could a Christian man allow this to happen?"  To tell you the truth, I still have those thoughts.  It's been two years and I still have those thoughts!  So am I still in the doubting stage of grief?  I thought I had moved on.

Then I started getting angry.  Angry at him for do this to our family.  Angry at God for not changing his mind. (After all, He was the only One who could!)  I was even angry at myself for not being able to figure out what I needed to do.  I got angry at him for taking away my children - even though he insists I did it to myself.  There is so much to be angry about.  The anger still lingers there in the back of my mind.  Am I still in THAT stage or have I moved on?

Bargaining...WOW!!! I could stay here forever!  "Lord, if you could give me another chance to show my kids I am a good mom..."  "Lord, if you could let me do this thing all over again..."  Needless to say, I struggle at this stage every day!  But let's move on.

Depression...HA!  Got that one covered.  This stage had me move four times in less than two years, spend more than I had in counselor fees, take a trip to Germany and Italy and had me so blinded I almost made the biggest mistake of my life!  It had me doing things that were nothing like "me".  Moving in with a man I had known all of 3 months and not married to!?!?  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!  So I hope I am past this stage.

And last, but not least, the stage of acceptance.  I have come to completely accept the fact that my marriage to a man of 23 years is over.  Truth be told it was over before it even started.  I was a blind 21-year-old with visions of freedom and no clue!  I have accepted the fact that this man didn't love me.  I am not sure he ever did.  I have accepted that I am 47 and am starting my life all over.  The best thing about this acceptance is that I have the freedom AND the clue now. Life is good!  I accept that!

So, where do I go from here? Right back to where I started Grief is good - as long as it can get me to the point of acceptance.  If I linger in one particular place for too long I will start all over with the process, and that is just a waste of time - I've been there and done that.  I want to move forward - and that is "Good Grief."

Memories....just looking at those pictures of Italy again.  Whoever coined the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words" sure knew what he was saying! (Or maybe it was a "she")

I looked at the pictures of Burano, with the colorful homes, the tranquil waters, the laundry hanging from the windows, the shopkeepers calling out to the tourists, and I am right there!  I close my eyes and I hear the Italian ladies, in their broken English, trying to convince me to buy their lace products.  I hear the fountain in the center of the piazza, drawing adults and children alike to be refreshed by the cool water.  I feel the warmth of the mid-day sun beating down on my dark hair and the gentle breeze offering a momentary respite from that warmth. I smell the aromas emanating from the ristorantes.  Oh but do I want to just sit for hours in the shade of the umbrellas of the cafes.

And Tuscany.....well, I could sit on the wall surrounding Pienza and just admire God's handiwork for hours!  Then I could swing around and walk up the path to grab a gelato and find a sweet, little, old lady who is sweeping her steps and pinching off the dead flower heads in the window boxes to watch.  When the mood struck I would then wander a little further up the cobble-stoned road and find a table and enjoy a glass of the local red wine along with bread, olive oil and their renowned Pecorino cheese.  (My mouth is watering already!) Then I could retire to my room overlooking the valley with the windows wide open and sleep with only the sound of an occasionally cricket in the background!

And the Sistine Chapel. Well, can I even say JUST a thousand words?  My Sweetie bought me a wonderful birthday present - "Restoration of the Sistine Chapel."  Just the front cover evoked so many emotions and feelings!  Then, when I saw details of the most awe-inspiring piece of artwork ever created, in my humble opinion, I was overwhelmed all over again.  How could one man so envision Biblical events and bring them to life as he did?  I "see" the expulsion from the garden and observe the look of anguish on the faces of Adam and Eve as they reach to God and He doesn't reach back.  To feel the energy passing from the fingertip of God to the fingertip of man.  I can almost feel the life giving force!  Oh my, I am getting chills just remembering.  And even though there may have been a thousand people crammed into that chapel, when I looked up, I was the only one in the room. 

So, as I remember those very special places and times, I have a challenge for all of you.  I may have gone to Europe to experience these pictures, but I know all of you have a special place you have gone as well.  It may have been a visit to Europe, like me, a trip to another part of the states, another city, a journey to local park or museum, or even a trip in your mind while reading a book.  We all have pictures in our heads that are worth a thousand words.  Sometimes we need to take a look at those memory books and relive a moment, just a moment, so that we can live, really live, for today!

Resurrection -
In looking back to previous posts, I see that I have used this word a few times and I am trying to determine whether or not it is an appropriate word. The reason this has become a “sticking point” with me is because I am trying to determine whether I was revived after being dead or if I am just a “new person.”

Here’s my dilemma and maybe you can help me come to a conclusion. (Please bear with me because I do need to go back a way.)

As a teenager, I was gregarious, but not very popular in school. Let’s just say I was a bit stifled. I just couldn’t quite squeeze into the mold of what characterized the “popular” crowd. I was a leader, even then. Friends and acquaintances could attest to that. But, I couldn’t seem to lead my own thoughts. They seemed to run a little rampant when I left for college and I couldn’t seem to focus on the important things in life. I was always seeking “something else.” I sought until the thing I thought I sought saw enough in me to cease my seeking! I was married and started a family, not realizing I was not really done “seeking” the one thing I never knew I was looking for - my own identity. When I came to the end of my marriage, I was finally beginning to “find” myself and by that time, those around me didn’t appreciate me for who I truly was.

Now, I am Petra…..independent, strong, fun-loving, confident, caring, compassionate, creative, out-going, smart, and loving. I have gone from being fearful of leaving the comforts of my own home to becoming a world-traveler. I stopped questioning every decision and I have become assured in my choices. I don’t look around to see who is in my presence before I laugh at a humorous anecdote. I am so full of life I am bubbling over! I cannot contain my joy.

The question now is, were there EVER those characteristics before? Were they covered up? Were they lying dormant for all these years? Were they so restrained by those in my life that they became non-existent? OK, to be fair, I am still gregarious., although still not very popular (my definition of popular has shifted over the years, though). I am still a leader, although not practiced as often as I would like. But I can now lead my own thoughts. I can reel them in, not chasing unrealistic aspirations.

I have “found myself” right where I last saw “me” - in a little town in Kentucky, alone. And the new me? RESURRECTED!!! Yes, I guess I was there all along, buried underneath the mound of dirt of the choices I made. I am glad I found myself. It’s good to be alive!

Procrastination...such a big word but so easy to do!  What do we all procrastinate doing?  Mostly things we don't want to do. But what is it called when we put off doing someting that we actually WANT to do.  Seems silly, doesn't it, but yet we do it so much more that we realize.

Do you have a person you have been wanting to talk to? How about a letter you have been wanting to write (or an email)? Is there a book that you have been wanting to read, either for a few months or a few years?  What hobby have you been wanting to take up?  And here is a biggie...What
trip/vacation have you been wanting to take?  What is stopping you from actually doing any of those things?  Do you realize you have been procrastinating doing something you actually WANT to do?  

I hate cleaning house (even though the results yield a calmer soul).  I detest paying bills.  I dislike making all the phone calls to companies to "straighten" things out.  But all those things eventually get done because there are consequences if they do not get done, right?  Most of the time we put them off as long as possible, but they do get done.

What's my point in talking about procrastination?  I have been contemplating the fact that putting off the "good things" have consequences as well, but we fail to see them.  Why?  Because the consequences are not something external, but internal.  Think about it.  Follow my reasoning, odd as it may sound.

I have a book on my tablet that has been there for about four months now.  When I saw it in the bookstore and read the back cover, I knew it was going to be a wonderful book.  I raced home to order it and download it.  And there it has been for four months!  Every time I want to take a few minutes to read, I open up the app and see it there, but for one reason or another I put it off.  There are three books I have started and not finished.  The dishes are piled up in the sink.  I should organize that junk drawer.  The laundry is piled up in the corner of my closet. So, there that great book "sits." 

Now, what would happen if I opened up that book and actually started reading it?  Well, the other three, obviously not-good-enough-to-finish books will continue to go unread.  The dishes won't get done, but I do have more in the cupboards and the flies haven't found the dirty ones.  The laundry will go undone, but that will just give me a chance to wear those clothes I have in the back!  I have wanted a good excuse to wear that long ball bown for years! (Who says you can't wear a flowing gown, tiara, and strappy sandals as you read a great book?) 

And what would I accomplish if I sat and read that wonderful book?  Well, first of all, I would be having fun.  And what person wouldn't want that?  Secondly, I would be relaxing, allowing all of that built-up stress to flow from my pores.  Thirdly, I would be taken to a place in my mind and soul that I have been longing to travel to.  And fourthly, and certainly not lastly, I would be appreciating the $300 dress that I have never worn before and the strappy sandals would look great without giving me blisters! 

Here's my point.  My life has been put on hold for far too long.  I have been procrastinating "life" for so long that I can't remember what "fun" is anymore.  No more!  I took my trip to Germany and Italy, and yes, it cost me quite a bit of money, but it was still cheaper than a lifelong time of regret.  I will be paying off a credit card for a long time, but it is less expensive that an extended stay in a mental institution (or so I am told).  And now, I will choose to read my book.  Yes, the dishes and laundry may go undone, but I will be happy.  I may read up 'til wee hours of the morning and I will not sleep.  But I will have a rested soul and I won't torture myself about not having accomplished something I really wanted to do.  I will procrastinate no longer - with reading or anything else that will bring me some happiness. (Now if I could only find my reading glases in the heap of laundry, or did I put them in one of those half un-packed boxes in the spare room?)

Now, all of that said, I would think you would look at your list of want-to-dos and determine for yourself, "What would I lose by putting off for a little while longer the drudgeries of life, so that I could enjoy (fill-in-the-blank) for a while? Try it, you might find out that the things you will give up are not as important as you had made them out to be.

There is something about revealing your innermost thoughts and feelings that un-nerves even the toughest skinned individual.  The act of hearing the sound of your own voice as it speaks those hidden details that were safe for so very long in the recesses of your mind.  These thoughts were protected from ever being discovered by those not-so-well-intentioned individuals.

First, the question must be asked, “Why are they hidden to begin with?” And secondly, “What must occur that will soften us to the point of revealing?”

Let’s tackle that first question together, shall we?  I will wager that most of us do not open up because of fear – fear that we will be ridiculed or judged.  But how did our minds arrive at “if A, then B?”  Because it actually happened before!  I am confident that every one of us has had an experience where we shared a hope, a dream, an expectation, or a cherished thought, and the response was anything BUT welcomed!  “That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard.”  “Why would a smart, self-sufficient person like you stoop to think of something as base as that?”  “You don’t have the time to fulfill that goal.  You can’t even find the time to do the basic things a normal person would do.”  “That goal is so unrealistic.”  You get the point, right?  Have you been there?  So, basically, we stop revealing those precious things (to us) for fear of judgments or criticisms.

ASIDE:  Do you want to know the “kicker” to all of that?  What if the Lord is the One that placed that thought/dream/goal in your heart?  Why should we CARE what others think?   But we do, don’t we, because each of us has a need to be accepted by another.

So, we know the “why it happens” and we now need to discover the “how we let our defenses down.”  The answer to that is not so much a matter of knowledge as it is experience.  We know the answer but until we actually live it we cannot fully appreciate it. 

Have you ever been told by someone that you can just “be yourself?”  You want to trust what they say.  So, you let the wall come down just a little and you share a little dream.  Yes, you actually voiced it.  And guess what?  There was no ridicule.  You breathe a sigh of relief.  Shortly thereafter you share a silly thought in passing and you get “the look.” (You know the one where the eyes are rolled and a sneer appears on the lips.)  That wall immediately goes back up again, doesn’t it?  And wherever you THOUGHT the relationship was going has just been squelched.  And the other person wonders why you left.  DUH!!!!!  Don’t tell me you want me to be myself unless you are willing to accept me! (Are you hearing me?)

Here’s the scary part.  You still have to lower that wall with the next person and the next and the next and the next until you find someone who will NEVER give the look.  NEVER question your dreams.  NEVER criticize your goals.  NEVER judge your thoughts.  This is the person who will accept ALL of who you are and not just what he/she understands.  He/she will love you unconditionally.  And isn’t that what love is supposed to look like anyway?

Do you have this person in your life?  If not, please, do not stop making yourself vulnerable.  Yes, you will have hurt.  Yes, you may be rejected.  Yes, you may be criticized.  But please, take it from me and all those who have found this special person:  It is so worth the journey!  To find that special someone who will look at the times you say, “I really want to build a sandcastle right now (and it’s the middle of winter in the north) and he/she will do everything they can do to make this their goal as well.  This is a dream come true!

I am so blessed to be able to share my dreams and goals and never be judged or criticized.  I am so blessed to be able to voice my innermost thoughts and know that they are safe and protected and won’t be used against me.  I am so blessed to have my “your dream is my dream” man!

"Muse"....(n) someone who inspires another in the creative arts, especially poetry.

Does everyone have a muse who is creative?  Must everyone have a muse?  What is the true purpose of even having a muse?  Does one just "appear" when needed?  What constitutes creativity?  How do you know if you have a muse?  These questions have been niggling in the forefront of my mind the last few days.  I look around and put myself in the shoes of some of my favorite authors and artists and I can't help but wonder, "Who was their muse when this was created?"  I think I may have come up with an answer to that question.  I believe that most art, whether writing, art, poetry or even a movie are not inspired by anyone.  Then there are those very special "pieces" that stand out in everyone's mind.  I believe that THESE are the ones that are inspired by a special "muse." 

Think about it.  There are many pieces of art or books that have a tendency to stick out to everyone who has seen them, read them, or admired them.  And having recently been to a country that was founded on art, it has become even more clear to me.  When a person thinks of Michelangelo, what do they think of?  The statue of David, the Sistine Chapel, and the Pieta.  But does anyone rememeber "Bacchus," "Man and Mollusk," or even "Moses"?  And what about authors?  I happen to adore Jane Austen.  Most people think of "Pride and Prejudice" or "Sense and Sensibility" when they hear her name.  But what of "Catherine"?  Do you know this was one of her first works?  Hmmm.  Makes a person think, doesn't it?  What happened to each of these great "artists?"  My guess is that the more famous works had muses in their artists' lives. 

So what's my point and what does this have to do with me?  I will tell you.  I started writing when I was a teenager.  The times that I believed to write my best during those years was when I had someone to inspire me.  Most of the time it was some hurtful time that casued me to pick up a pen and paper and write either prose or poetry.  Most of those writings were kept in a diary, but I will admit that some made it to the light of day where someone else read it.  I seem to remember receiving compliments on those pieces.  However, when I just wrote for the sake of writing and to keep things "fresh", I didn't write as well.  So what was the difference?  I wasn't "inspired." 

I started this blog about 2 months ago.  I can almost remember, as it was yesterday, the day I sat down and wrote.  Would you like to know how I came to that place?  I have a muse!  I have someone who inspires me now.  Someone who inspires me to be my best, to write my best, and to put my heart out there for all to share.  And do you want to know why I share my heart?  Because in spite of the mistakes I have made, I have a good heart.  It's not that I want to prove anything, but I just want those outside of my close circle, and some within, to see that I am growing.  I am maturing.  I am learning so much about myself.  And I want everyone to understand that "me" better.

I sing more now.  I laugh more now.  The world is beautiful.  I can see the rainbow through the clouds.  I can see the  light through the fog.  I can see beauty through the grime.  I am reborn!  Do I need a muse?  Not really, but it sure does make my writing better.  Am I creative without a muse?  Of course I am.  The Lord created me in His image. But having my muse makes everything "better" in my life.  Thank you, my Muse, for being so wonderful! 

And for everyone out there reading this, think about something.  Where is your creativity?  Is it in something quiet, like writing?  Is it something artsy, like art?  Is it something active, like expressing yourself in dance, a sport, or activity?  Do you believe you are at your best?  if so, do you have a muse?  (Think about those in the Olympics now.  Most of them attribute their "greatness" to a family member who has inspired them.)  And if you think that you could probably push yourself a little, look around?  Maybe you just need a little inspiration.  Maybe you just need to find your muse.

Packing...I have been through this process before.  This is the fourth time in less than two years.  I am looking forward to this move the most.  I have the Lord's blessing in this.  But there is another differerence that I am just now putting my finger on.

I just spent almost a week in Europe discovering who I really am and what is important in my life.  It was a wonderful time of reflection and I went without several of the simplicities of life in the states.  I saw how much I packed to take over and realized that I needed a fraction of it after all.  I came home determined to be more appreciative of the little things. 

So, here I am up to my eyeballs in boxes realizing that I am WAY over my head with this "packing" venture.  I have so much stuff!  I have thought about just leaving everything and starting over.  Not financially feasible.  I have thought about throwing up my hands and not moving at all.  Not emotionally or mentally feasible.  Then I talked with a very dear friend and I am reminded of the real reason I am moving.  I am reminded of that intestinal fortitude that I do possess, inherited from my German roots.  I have been doubly blessed with boldness and courage: heritage and experience. 

So, again.  Here I am surrounded by all of the material blessings and I choose to make the decision to press on, full-force, and prove to myself that I can, indeed, make this happen.  I will not let the Lord down by giving up now.  I will spend endless evenings placing my belongings in boxes and recalling all the memories that are associated with them.  I will take mornings and afternoons making sure that all of the necessary arrangements are made.  I will not close my eyes until a list is made of all the things that are needed to be done is written out.

I am still learning.  I am learning that my life will never be the same.  I am still experiencing.  I am experiencing the strength and mercies of the Lord that are renewed every day.  I am still praying.  I am still praying that I can be everything that He has created me to be.  I am still discovering.  I am discovering that the new life He is calling me to holds so much more than I ever dreamed or imagined.    I am so excited about my new life! 

"I am the vine, you are the branches..."  Until you actually see a vine up close and personal, like those I saw and learned about in Tuscany, you really can't comprehend those words.  Those grapevines in Italy, as well as other places in the world, prove to be a valuable lesson of the Christian life.  My tour guide in Rome, told us all about the soil and every detail about those vines and what makes them grow.  His purpose was to show the quality of the wine produced.  I learned so much more than that.

Let's see, where do I start?  Let's start with the soil.  Did you know that the best soil to grown grapevines in is clay and rocky soil?  That's right!  Now don't think that just because you live in the south and have clay soil you can make grapes grow. (Well, maybe you can...) Here's the reason.  The clay and rocks make the roots really work to get down deep and strong. The deeper the roots, and the stronger, the better the fruit!  Now, I was told, it does take time for this to happen.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It could take YEARS for those roots to get deep enough to be strong.

OK. This is all nice and good, but how does this affect me, a person who doesn't have any immediate plans to go and buy a grapevine right away?  Well, as a woman who has been through a lot of "rocky" places in the last few years, I can tell you that I can see where my roots in the Lord have definitely gotten deeper. Some of the relationships I have have gone through in this muck of the soil, have made me stronger.  I am able to get my "grounding" once again.  What is the result of this?  Well, according to those winery afficianados, I will have sweeter fruit!  Wonderful!  I could use some sweet fruit!

Now let's go back to that vine reference.  Many of us who have grown up in church have heard about the pruning process.  It is a nice little "story", isn't it?  Only if you, yourself, haven't been through that pruning process!  I KNOW that Jesus is the vine and I am a product of His doing.  There is NOTHING I could have done to earn my place as a branch.  I just "am."  But along with that rocky, clay soil, I have been pruned.  People, places, and things have been removed from my life.  For what reason?  For that sweet fruit, again. 

What do I want from my life?  I want others to see sweet, juicy fruit!  I don't want people to see the scarred branch.  I don't want them to even see the clay, rock-filled soil.  I want them to see that gorgeous Vine and the luscious grapes dangling down, ready to be harvested!  When that happens I will know that all that root-growth and pruning that took place in my life was all worth it!

Now if I could just understand what that "fruit" is.  Or is it even important for me to know?  Hmmmmm.

Today I want to explore the difference in "having a voice" and "being heard." 

In my life I knew I always had a voice.  When I hit forty, I started using it a whole lot more then when I was twenty-two. I had not "discovered" my voice at that young of an age.  I felt more at ease in speaking my mind later in life.  I had thoughts and opinions, I realized, that others didn't share or didn't want to hear.  (Maybe that is why I had remained silent for so many years.)  And when I turned 44 and saw that my own family were the very ones who didn't want to hear my opinions and thoughts, and didn't regard them as important as their own, I realized something was terribly wrong!  I was walking along, unaware that I was not a complete person.  I was forced to comply with the thoughts and wishes of everyone around me. It wasn't as if I couldn't or wouldn't compromise.  I just wanted my voice to be valued and "heard."

There was a period of time I was in limbo.  I knew I had a voice and could speak, but I was still in unchartered territory.  I didn't know how or when to use that voice.  And more importantly, I wasn't sure if I was being heard.  I brought people into my life who I believed were listening. But I realize now that the majority of them were just listening.  They were not truly "hearing" my voice that was struggling to discover it's own identity.  How do know this to be true?  When I said something "deep" or profound , I would get a perfunctory, "uh-huh", or "ok."  Or even worse, "But, this is how I see it...."  This is not what my heart longed for!

Then....something amazing happened (which I am still praising God for). I met someone who not only heard my heart and my "voice" but encouraged me to use my voice in any way possible to express my heart. I have discovered I have so much to say and it feels wonderful to actually "let it out" in a way that may, in some small way, bring honor and glory to the One who gave me that voice.  I can actually speak with my mouth, write on paper, or on the computer.  No matter how, when, why, or what I have to say, my voice IS important.  The Lord gave me this voice to be heard.  And in doing so, I will make some mistakes along the way.  I will hurt some people (unintentionally).  I may even embarrass myself.  BUT....I will never be able to effectively get used to using my voice and having that voice heard unless I practice and have someone who will allow me to make those mistakes and bring me back around to using  it in a wonderful, encouraging, uplifting, and fruitful way.

Thank you so very much my dear friend (you know who you are).  I will be forever grateful for your kindness and wisdom.

Looking at the title of this blog,"Journey to a Healing Heart," I am reminded, once again, why I took this trip to Europe.  I am so blessed to have been able to make this trip and the Lord made it all possible!

A dear friend recently asked me, "How have you grown or changed from this trip?"  What a great question!  I mean, I knew it would change me.  I knew it would make me grow. I knew it would open my eyes to many things I had not seen in my soul.  But to actually meditate on that question made me realize that I am on a journey, a journey to a healing heart.  And this trip is just a jump-start to a beautiful outcome!

So I guess you might be wondering,  "Well, what HAS she learned?" I would be more than happy to tell you.  Before leaving the states I knew I was independent.  I had an "I can do this myself" attitude.  Well, I have come to discover that this is pretty much true - when it comes to other people.  I have come to trust the Lord and His provisions and strength for my every step.  I am grateful for the people He was brought into my life to guide me and help me along the way.  But I am fully capable of living life alone, with my Savior the rest of my days, if that is what He calls me to do.  So, when I return to the states, I will continue with my attitude of gratefulness and praise and patiently wait for Him to show me the next step in my journey.

What else have I learned?  I have learned to be grateful for the little things that I have in this life:  my health, my eyesight, water, a cool breeze, family, and good friends.  A person truly can not appreciate these things unless they are without them for a time.  (I wish someone had told me this before, but I guess it was a lesson I needed to learn here.) 

I have learned that the Lord puts a dream in your heart, NOT to be guarded and kept there, but to live it out - TO IT'S FULLEST!  For the longest time I have dreamed of going to Italy.  I wanted to smell the food.  I wanted to see the beauty.  I wanted to hear the sounds of a market.  I wanted to determine if this was a place I could spend the rest of my days.  This was a dream.  I got scared for a little bit.  I feared that I would get here and it would not be everything I hoped it would be.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to understand the language (which I still don't).  I feared that I would be disappointed in finding out this was MY dream and not a dream the Lord had placed in my heart.  But you know what?  I KNOW this dream was given to me by the Lord.  I know because the minute I stepped off the train in Venice I felt so much joy and peace!  This can ONLY come from the Lord.

Yes, I have learned so much and I have grown.  I am still on a journey though.  I will continue to learn and grow once my feet hit American soil (or pavement, whichever the case may be).  I am looking forward to each person the Lord will bring into my life, whether it is for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  And if you are reading this blog, you obviously fall into one of those categories.  Thank you so much for reading!  I appreciate your friendship, and look forward to seeing what part you will play in my growth.  You are all on this journey with me, whether you play an active role or not.  Bless you.

Time.  I have noticed that it mean something different to everyone, or does it? 

Have you ever noticed that if you are traveling in a car to go on vacation, it takes forever? And yet you can make the same trip home and it doen´t take near as long?  Someone once commented that it is because you are looking forward to your vacation and not to going home.  I tend to disagree because there are MANY times I am more excited to get home; I wanted to sleep in my own bed, get away from crowds, and just relax (because that absolutely did NOT happen on vacation!).  Why is a week´s vacation too little for some and too long for others?  Why is a six-hour car trip too long for some and for others it is something they wouldn´t mind doing? 

And here I am on the trip of a lifetime, relaxing at this moment, and the time just seems to stand still at times.  What is the deal?  The flight here took forever. The last two weeks seemed more like a month.  I have no idea how long the next 10 day will last, other than 10 days.  Why, at one time, does a three and a half week trip of a lifetime seem like it just isn´t enough and at other times it seems like it is just dragging on? 

Perspective.  It´s all in the perspective you have.  And this perspective is gained by past experiences.  ´Think about it.  This is true with everything in life. Vacations, jobs, relationships, chores, just plain "life."

But this is just one snippet in the scheme of things, isn´t it?  The Scripture say that to the Lord a thousand years is like a day and a day as a thousand years.  I just hope that the little time I have on the earth and the snippets of time I spend doing things, will change my life in such a way to make a change in how I spend eternity.  May I be happy in the times I have to wait for things to come to pass, thankful that I have been blessed.  May I take the moments in every relationship and live them to their fullest. May I be thankful for the job I have and not waste time wishing I had something else. 

Whether you have 5 minutes, 5 weeks, or 5 years....make them count!  I am going to make the next 10 days in Italy count for something!  I will live life to it´s fullest!  I will share a smile with everyone I meet.  I will embrace new challenges the Lord puts in my path. I will cherish a text from home and pray for the person on the other end.  I will thank the Lord for the "time", whether great or small, He has given me.

Viva la Italia!

What is my "truth" about family today?

Great question!  Glad you asked.  I eluded to it in my previous post.  My truth is that family is great but we all need to deal with the mess we continue to cover up.  The truth is, my family is strong.  It is independent.  It is self-reliant.  It is loving.  It is selfless.  But the truth is ALSO that it is prideful.  It can be stubborn.  It can be rude.  It can be hurtful.  It can be bossy.

I can see all of these characteristics in myself.  And I pray that as I grow in the Lord I will slowly become less prideful, less stubborn, more kind, more generous, more encouraging, and more polite.  I believe that because I recognize the good, the bad and the ugly in my life, the good will become more prominent and the bad and ugly will be slowly fazed out. 

I took a walk this afternoon in this quaint and charming town.  It is nestled in the Alps.  But because of the tall buildings (4 floors) and massive foliage on the trees and everything so close together, I wasn´t able to actually see the mountains.  I began walking out of town in order to get to a place where I thought I might see the mountains better.  I just kept walking and it didn´t seem as if I was actually getting anywhere.  I wanted to guage where I was in reguard to my hotel so I turned around. What I saw brought tears to my eyes.  There were those beautiful mountains I was seeking all along! 

I like making connections to where I am in my soul, so here is the correlation:

I try looking for answers to so many questions in my life; Who am I?  What am I doing here?  Where did I come from?  Where am I going?  And the answer is....I will find all those answers WHILE I am surrounded by the fortress of my Lord!  I found all the answers I was searching for.  There is no more. Not on this topic anyway.  Now I just need to rest in Him Who brought me to this place in my life and trust He will do everything to mold me and shape me in to the person I was created to be.  And as long as I am willing to trust Him, He will bring this to pass.

Family and Truth....what is the connection?  If you were to have asked me this question a month ago, I wouldn´t have had a clue what you were asking me.  Today is another day, though.  And in order to understand the question I had to come to Germany and actually meet my family - the extended family, that is.  And in seeing them and getting to know them, I have so many more questions about myself than when I first got here.  Who am I a product of?  How did I come to be the person I am?  What did I have to go through to become the person I am today?  What did I believe about family and what do I believe now?

These are questions that run deep.  They caused me to dig into my very soul and question, "What is the truth?" And "Why do I believe these truths?"

I have a very large extended family.  My father has five brothers and a sister who live in the states.  My mother has twelve brothers and sisters; most of whom live in Germany.  ( I have been able to visit with six of them in the last 2 weeks.)  So, to ask, "who am I a product of" goes back MUCH further than my parents!  And this is one of the reasons I am here in Germany.  To find out where my mother came from, so I can get a better idea to where I came from. 

I am a product of my family, not just my mom and dad - that´s the truth.  And, like every family, there are good and bad qualities, aren´t there?  But the truth is, also, that we all have a choice to make. We can either sweep the bad under the carpet and hope and pray that the generations to follow will not trip over the pile of dirt under that rug (that somehow has gotten to be a hill of dirt!) OR we can deal with that dirt and sweep it out the door where it will not cause the pain and hurt for generations to come.  So what is my truth? My family has a lot of pain and hurt due to the piles of dirt that have been swept under the rug.  And today I am paying the consequences for someone else´s schmutz! 

But I cannot place blame.  What I need to do is help those with the dirt to deal with it and "fix" it so that they can heal, I can heal and I can help undo the hurt and pain I may have caused the next generation.  And how, pray tell, am I to do this?  By lovingly recording it in a book.  Yes, I am writing a book.  I am going to "expose" many areas of dirt that MUST be dealt with.  I am not doing this to cause hurt and pain in the lives of those who came before me.  I am not doing this to embarrass anyone who came before me.  Want to know why?  I have the same problems!  And in causing pain and embarrassment would only serve to do this to myself! So, my truth is that I have problems that stem back a few generations.

I have come to be the person I am today because I believed the truths of those who came before me by saying that all was well.  But the truth that they saw was not truth at all, but a lie.  I believe that I can turn this around.  I believe I can because there are a few in the family who have seen the truth and have chosen to believe this and have started dealing with the grime in their lives.  What a wonderful thing to see!  No, grime is not pretty, but the trust these individuals have in the ONE Who can make clean is a beautiful sight!  And I have recently witnessed how the Lord wants to do the same in my life.

More to follow another time.

"Mood Music"

How can two words change so much? Changes thoughts. Change "mood." Change my day!!!

Today I am stressed out because in less than 24 hours I will be on my way to Germany!  I am so excited, but I want to enjoy instead of stress.  So my answer? Music, of course! Norah Jones,  John Mayer, Adele, Colbie Calait, Jack Johnson....they just are able to put me in the right frame of mind.  So here I am - packed, house cleaned, dishes done, have nothing to "get done" and just happy that I am able to actually embark on this dream!  I am so excited about checking this off of my bucket list!

But, listen.  I know the propriety of a well-placed artist!  While I am walking the canals of Venice, strolling along the piazza in Siena, and admiring the statue of David in Florence, you can bet I will be listening to Vivaldi's tunes.

And when I am missing someone special from home, I will be listening to ZZ Top.  It will put me right there!

So, I am looking forward to coming home and having a whole new appreciation for art, artists of all kinds, and music.  For it will have taken me to new places - if only in my mind.

Rainbows are special.  There is a feeling of fanciful-ness when one sees a rainbow.  I realize we should feel hopeful every time we see a rainbow, for that was the intent the Lord had for rainbows.  When do rainbows "appear."  Every time it rains, right?  But what if it rains and we see no rainbow.  Does it mean there is none?  No, it just means we aren't looking. 

I believe this to be true in our lives, too.  The Lord sends the rain in our lives, whether it is in the form of  a gentle rain to water our thirsty souls, or a thunderstorm to clear away all the dirt and grime that has accumulated in the dark recesses of our souls.  But no matter the reason the rain comes, there is always hope in the form of a rainbow.  All we need to do is look for it.  And sometimes, in order to see it, we just need to open our eyes!

Lately, I have had a few rainshowers in my life.  A failed relationship was a storm that came at a "bad" time.  But what came of it was a rainbow in the form of a friendship.  I am thankful for the hope it gave me that all relationships are not negative.  I had a thunderstorm in the form of clinical depression descend on my life, but I sat still in my car one day and saw my rainbow in the form of a trip to Europe.  It gives me hope that the Lord has a wonderful plan for my life and despite the mess I make in the mud puddles ofter that rain, He will still bless me and give me the desires of my heart if I wait patiently on Him.

There are some people in my life who cannot understand the actions I have been taking lately, but I do not hold it against them.  They just cannot see my rainbow. They cannot understand the fanciful-ness I am experiencing as I dance and sing under my personal rainbow.

Packing, suitcases, deadlines, paperwork.....the list goes on and on. right now I am seeing traveling a little differently than just throwing a few things together in an overnight bag for a weekend trip close to home. Here I am packing for my first overseas trip!  There is excitement coursing through my body right now.  But at the same time there is a little dread. Will I remember everrything?  I am finding that there are two categories that everything falls into - essentials and non-essentials.  

I take a toothbrush because I will need it every day. It is definitely an essential item.  I will take an umbrella - just in case it rains.  And what about that insect spray that my guidebook highly recommended I take? Will that seal even be broken while I am strolling around the Trevi Fountain on a 95 degree day?  I will not know until it actually happens, will I? I may go the whole month and never have to use it.  It will be bulky and  take up space in my suitcase...valuable space.

So what do we, as Christians, carry with us that are non-essentials that merely weigh us down and do us no good as we journey through life?   What about all the truths we were taught as youngsters that as adults we have come to realize do not apply to us anymore?  Do those "truths" take up so much space in our bags that we don't have room for the actual truths that scriptures teach us...That God forgives! That His love in unconditional. That we are more valuable than ANYTHING in this world.  

For too long I have chosen to believe some of those "truths" from my childhood.  And I should have been listening to the truths that the Word has so loudly spoken to me.  Those old truths had been squeezing out the words I had been needing to claim during the toughest times of my life...."I am loved."  "I am valued."  "And because I am a child of the King, I am a princess."

So I will not pack the "lies" of, "Nobody wants a woman who cannot keep herself nice looking at all times."  Instead, I will pack up the essentials of, "I am a princess and I am valued and loved by my Father no matter WHAT I wear, and whether or not I have a bad day and take it out on someone who is close to me."  So, I am sorry, mom.  I am not going to travel to my new dreams and destinations loaded down with those things you taught me.  They are not essentials in my life and I won't even consider sticking it in a corner of my hot-pink, tiger-striped suitcase!

So here is a challenge to anyone reading this.  Empty that suitcase you have had packed and repack it.  Take out all of the possessions and effects that weigh that suitcase down and are non-essentials.  And put in its place all of the items that truly belong and that you claim.  I am sure that you will find that the new items you place into your bag will not weigh very much.  Want to know how I know that?  "...My burden is light." (Matthew 11:30)

Enjoy your trip to YOUR new dreams and destinations!  You are packed and ready....when do you leave?  I will pray for a safe journey for you.

Self - consciousness.  What do I believe about myself?  I cannot remember a single day of my life going by when I do not think about one of the following questions: "Are my eyes too puffy?" "How much weight have I gained?"  "Where did that grey hair come from?"  "Will anyone really care if I shave my legs?"   "Will my cellulite show if I wear this skirt?" 

I, like most women in the United States, listen to everything the world tells me.  I guess if I really think about that statement, I would see that this is an aweful way to live life!  That is a lot of unnessary stress to take on.  Who can actually live up to the standards "the world" demands?  Not even the most famous of people can live life like that!  They have people surrounding them constantly so they will look "perfect" for a select few people.  Who are they trying to impress?

More importantly, who am I trying to impress?  Am I trying to impress or just get by without criticism?  Or maybe both?  Am I really looking at the most important things in life?  Does my grey hair really matter in the scheme of this life that I am living?  Do my puffy eyes reveal more than just the fact that I didn't get enough sleep?  Do my unshaved legs reflect anything other than I was too lazy to get the razor out that day? 

What would happen if I woke up one day and did NOT concern myself with any of those niggling questions I normally ask?

Instead of looking at the puffy eyes, I would don a pair of wonderful "Jackie-O" sunglasses and look fashionably stylish - almost like Sarah Jessica Parker!  Instead of thinking about the weight I may have gained because I spent a week eating WAY TOO MUCH PASTA, dreaming of and preparing for my trip to Italy, I will spend a day shopping for "new" clothes at the Goodwill store before I fly to arguably the most beautiful country in the world (at least for me).  Instead of worrying about how that grey hair is such a stark contrast to my dark crop of hair, I will add a beautiful floppy hat, which will make a glorious addition to those glasses!  Instead of thinking about my laze-faire attitude during my grooming time (foregoing the shaving of the legs), I will put on one of those maxi skirts I will have purchased and it will just cover them!  And as far as that cellulite is concerned?  Well that will be with me forever, so I will just find a man who can appreciate it along with all of the other curves that come along with it.

Sound like a plan?

So come on, life!  Bring it on!  I know that I can have fun with you no matter what you throw at me. I choose to make lemonade from the what the world may call "lemons."  I will accept the way I am and choose to listen to the ones who will do the same.  For those who nay-say the "me" I have become...."sorry".  You have no influence in my life anymore!

I think there comes a time in every woman's life where she discovers her own voice.  Unfortunately that time doesn't always come before she finds wisdom to actually use her voice.

I remember the day I used my voice for the first time (before I learned how to actually use it effectively). I turned 40 THAT DAY and while dining with some friends at lunch I thoroughly embarrassed the waitress, as well as my friends, by commenting that her size made me want to vomit.  (I was trying to express that her being skinny and being able to squeeze through a 3-inch space made me want to get sick because I couldn't look like that.) Looking back, at the time I thought it was funny and after explaining my comment to everyone, they all had a good laugh.  However, I realize that I should have been WAY more sensitive. 

Today, six years later, I recall when I used my voice and felt completely secure in it.  When my life plan became so clear I couldn't help but tell someone.  I was confident, assured and totally uninhibited.  It was freeing to express my heart like that!  I finally have a totally positive outlook on my life.  This freedom comes at a price, however.  I separates me from those who have come to know and love the past Petra.  I am sorry for those losses, I truly am.  I am sure that they see me as Daffy, in this picture - negatively.

But the choice I make is to be that SAME duck - only with a positive spin.  I love my life (positive). I am going through some major life changes (which some view as mental). And I am expressing my voice with confidence and authority (which may be construed as having an attitude). But the bottom line is....I have a voice and for the first time in my life I am not afraid to use it!

Too many questions cause a person to doubt - doubt their own "truth". This truth is what they build their entire life on.  In a person's life, if they have not truth to build on, they will be sure to crumble when the first raindrop hits them.

So how do we get to the point where we can actually enjoy the rain and not crumble with each drop of water that hits us?  We start at the beginning....answer those questions.  Eventually we will begin to find our truth and build our life to where we KNEW it was all along - deep down in the recesses of our soul.  But this process is not easy and it is not quick.  It takes time and patience. Because sometimes the answer to one question draws out yet another question.

In my own life, after my world crashed around me two years ago.  I am just now understanding that my life and my truth are still there.  They were just covered by those menacing storm clouds.  So now, I am working on getting those questions answered.  "How does a wife of 23 years become an enemy?"  "How does a man choose to favor his children above the woman he chose to honor and cherish no matter what?"  "How can a child just 'disown' a mother who has given her everything for that child?" 

I may never have the answers to these and so many more questions, but I know that just recognizing them give me the vision to see beyond the questions to actually seek the truth.  The truth for me is this: "I am a woman who has faults and flaws, but is cherished and loved immensely by the One Who created her.  I am worthy of more than what I have been given.  I am capable of changing my world, given a chance and wings.  I can choose to look beyond the hurt and pain I have suffered to a bright an beautiful future."

So, today, I will choose to look beyond the storm clouds of unanswered questions, and dance in the rain of my truth - that I am a beautiful princess....the daughter of the KING!