So a thought occurred to me today that many people who read this blog or who are acquainted with me may not fully understand a serious problem that is occurring in this nation. That problem occurs in many relationships and sometimes it is covered up by partners for the sake of keeping a relationship alive when, in reality, the relationship has some serious problems that must be addressed. It is the root issue as to the reason why I am divorced today.  That problem?  Verbal/Emotional abuse.

About six months ago I purchased a book and found solace in knowing that what I believed to have been happening all along was TRULY a problem and I had not ended a marriage for nothing.   So today I would like to address a few of the tell-tale signs that you are being verbally or emotionally abused.

The bottom line, the abuser, whether verbal or emotional, is having to be in control.  And the abuse can be evident without a word being spoken.  Whether it's by a degrading look, threatening behaviors, obscene gestures, abuse will cut and it painful. 

Verbal abuse is "the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words or of a sharp tone in an attempt to control or dominate another person." (Verbal and Emotional Abuse, June Hunt, p. 13) When a person, male or female, feels the need to make themselves larger in stature, raise their voice or put another person down, this person is exhibiting abusive tendencies.  I was resigned to being dominated in a way that always made me feel I had less worth than I actually had. I didn't know any better. It's very sad that it took leaving to fully understand the depth of the hurt caused immediately and the after-effects caused for years to come.

Here's the thing, and I am vouching for several family members who have also gone through many of the same painful experiences that I have, until you are totally removed from the situation you cannot fully comprehend the situation.  So many, too many women (and a few men) remain in verbally abusive relationships not even being aware that it is considered abuse. And furthermore, when you add on to all of this the aspect of Christianity and trying to incorporate Biblical principles into the mix, we can get quite confused!

So what to do?  Well, I wish someone would have advised me, years ago, to do some soul searching into who I was in Christ, and not factoring in a "significant other." Had I seen how the Lord views me, not base my self-worth on how my husband viewed me, I would have seen that there were many inconsistencies.  I don't have any more answers now than I did over three years ago, I just wish that those still in situations as I was, would be able to more clearly see that their worth in the Lord should be more important to them than trying to live with the verbal abuse of a mere person who must put others down in order to lift themselves up to a level of more importance.

Curious thought -

We all, in our sick, demented and twisted minds want everyone to be and think just like us.

True, we know that is silly when we actually dwell on it, but seriously….wouldn’t it be so much easier in life to have everyone just like us?

I mean, we wouldn’t have to explain ourselves on a consistent basis.

We would never be misunderstood.

It would spare us so much frustration in the fact that others didn’t like what we liked and didn’t like the things that we don’t like.

Why is it that even though we know this can never be, why do we continue to force out beliefs, views, opinions on others, and frustrate ourselves beyond belief?

And let’s look at it from the other side. Who do we allow into our own little belief system and give them access to the control knobs of our views and opinions?

We must be very careful who we conform our system to, because at some point we will be adamantly defending a belief as ours, and we must be sure we have owned it, and not just claimed we own it. Because once we get to the point of defending a point of view, we cannot possibly understand how deep our defensiveness will run into the other person. Are we willing to risk changing another person for a cause we are not totally prepared to own as our own?

Am I the only one that thinks this way? Please tell me "no" because if I am the only one, that makes me what? Crazy?

How does it feel to give birth to a child and give him/her up? What kind of woman does that? Does she have any compassion at all? Does she, can she love her child?

I am getting more and more pissed off at people who make callous assumptions and jump to completely false conclusions, based on what? Their own thoughts? Their own skewed philosophies or convictions?

Let me start with an example. Did the Lord or did He not, create each and every person that has and ever will live on this earth? Doesn’t He fashion each person and lovingly design their personality and being? And doesn’t the scripture say that He “knew” from the beginning of (and before) creation? Wasn’t this an act of a loving God? And yet when He placed each of us on this earth does He force us to love Him in return? Or even force us to acknowledge Him as Savior and Creator? How it must break His heart when we go our own way and never acknowledge Him as Abba Father, even though He entrusts each of us into the care of a frail parent….one that WILL fail.

So let’s return to the question at hand. What kind of woman gives up a child for ANY reason? I’ll tell you. One who LOVES her child and wants the best for him/her, knowing she is not able for one reason or another to do so herself. Now I am NOT saying that that EVERY case is like that. There are some who don’t love, don’t have the capacity to love. But the majority of mothers have more or less nine months to think about, pick apart every angle of the decision we need to make.

I have been accused of abandoning my children, although technically only one was a “child.” I take issue with that statement because the assumption was made without all the facts - or possibly they had all the facts but refused to believe because their pride tells them that they MUST be right. Conclusions were made falsely.

Here are the FACTS. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t try to contact them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t care about their future. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t ache every day, wanting to be in their company every day. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t write them letters and is not able to send them. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t tear up every time she hears their name spoken. A woman who abandons her children doesn’t pour over photo albums that are YEARS old because she has nothing current because the children refuse to send updated ones to her. And finally, a woman who abandons her children doesn’t sit around agonizing over every decision she ever made when it concerns her children, knowing deep down that she did everything she possibly could to be the best mother to the three people she loves more than anything else on earth.

I do not claim to know the Lord’s heart, but I know He feels my pain and hurt, because He Himself knows my suffering. He gave up His children and desires that each one returns to Him, willingly and humbly, knowing that He loves them more than anything else in the world. But He will not force His love on them. I fail at this, but I will strive harder to do the same. I will just continue to pray and trust that the Lord knows the best way.

So, did I set the record straight for some of you? Did I show you in a sufficient a way for you to comprehend? I did NOT abandon my children. In a moment of self-preservation I left a bad situation, but it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make.