True Forgiveness - Part 2

As I try to formulate my thoughts in order to ensure that they make sense to you, the reader, I am filled with this righteous anger, once more. I am calling to mind two different portions of scripture that are just so relevant to this, I will have to include them here so that you will be able to grasp what it is I am trying to say.

Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor (Matthew 18)

21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive --someone[i] who sins against me? Seven times?”

22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven![j]

23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.[k] 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.[l] He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters[m] from your heart.”

And another....

Matthew 18New Living Translation (NLT)

The Greatest in the Kingdom

18 About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?”

2 Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said,“I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.

5 “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf[a] is welcoming me. 6 But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.

I realize that many of you may not know where I am going with these scriptures. And while I have you slightly confused, allow me to add two more words to the mix: restitution and reconciliation.

So.....

I realize that there are MANY men who feel the same way as my ex-husband do and I am writing this to EVERYONE who has ever experienced this as well as to all of you who really have not understood why my children have treated me so ill for the last four years. Their father, my ex-husband, raised them, and me for the most part, to believe the same way he did. And today I want to address the way he viewed forgiveness. He believed that if a person wronged you, that person must ask for forgiveness and then make restitution before any forgiveness could be shown. A person needed to earn back trust. 

Fast forward to 2011, and here he is convincing (brainwashing) my children that somehow I had sinned against them and that I was therefore an unbeliever (his biblical "out" for the marriage). And because I sinned against them I owed them something. I am not sure how he determined that he was now my judge, but there it is. For the first year after the divorce I did whatever I could to spend time with my children and keep communicating with them. But both they and their father made it so that it was inconvenient for them to bother with me, so they gradually broke off any communication at all.

Forward two years and now both of my daughters have expressed that they have forgiven me but IN THE SAME BREATH have said they want nothing to do with me. I just cannot, as a believer, understand how that is even possible! But when I think about it, two things come to mind. First is that their father has caused them to believe a lie - that I have to make some kind of restitution and earn back their trust. That somehow there will never be reconciliation. Those are lies. There is NOTHING in scripture that I have found to support such nonsense. And for him to cause them to believe that these are biblical principles...? Well. I somehow think think this falls under the  Matthew 18:6 umbrella.

The second thing is this:

In the first scripture, the man who was thrown in debtor's prison owed much to the king. He was forgiven because of the mercy of the king. It had NOTHING to do with the fact that the man earned back the trust of the king or that he paid restitution for his debt. In fact, there was no way restitution could be made.

Here is the conclusion I referred to yesterday....

I believe that my children have not forgiven me for the basic reason that they have not, themselves, been forgiven so great a debt as to understand what mercy and grace truly looks like. Perhaps they are like the man in demanding his servant pay him, never having had their own debt forgiven? Maybe they are waiting for me to pay a debt of what they believe I owe them. Maybe they are just misinformed by "someone" that I owe some kind of debt? Either way, they have NOT truly forgiven me and they have been deceived.

I pray that one day their eyes will be opened and they will see the truth of the scripture and not the "truth" given to them by a man, no matter how much they trust him.

I hope I have shed some light on yet another step in my Journey To A Healing Heart. This healing is a process and will continue as long as there is still pain. I love my children dearly and it pains me that they have strayed not only from me but the truth that they once came to know and love in Christ. I pray they will be reconciled to the Lord and that they will understand that my love for them will not die just because they have told me they want no part of me.

May His truth be your guide,

Petra

True Forgiveness

I have asked for forgiveness from both God and others on many occasions. The majority of times when I have asked for forgiveness I have heard the words, "I forgive you." Now I know, from scripture, that the Lord is "faithful and just to forgive all [my] sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) But what of those times when someone has sinned against us or hurt us? We can say, in our hearts, "I forgive so-and-so," but when does it really mean something?

I have had two of my children say that they have forgiven me. I realize that I had caused the children much harm when I moved out (after being abandoned in every way). The kids only care about their own pain and cannot come to any realization other that what they themselves have been faced with. They refuse any form of communication with me and have told me to stop communicating with them. But on another hand they say they forgive me? This is what I cannot understand.

I am puzzled as to how a person can arrive at their definition of forgiveness when scripture clearly states something completely different. Forgiveness according to scripture, the way I read it, is an active PROCESS. The book of Matthew has the model prayer and the phrase ..."forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Did you catch that? God will forgive US to the degree we forgive others!   I want to make sure that I get that order correct. I don't know about you but I have a LOT that I need to be forgiven of, so therefore, I don't want to be stingy with the forgiveness I extend to others. 

Also, when I think if forgiveness, I think of the WAY God has shown forgiveness to His children. I want to paint a little picture of how I see God's forgiveness towards the children of Israel. The Jews would continually stray from the Lord and His guidance. They would confess their sin and the Lord would forgive them. The relationship was restored! God didn't make His children jump through hoops to "prove" they were truly repentant. He didn't have them DO anything! They would go through this time and time again, wouldn't they? But the Lord NEVER withheld His love from His children. He didn't give them the silent treatment until they had proven themselves worthy. So, if this is the case, then why do we feel we have to put "conditions" on our forgiveness towards others? 

It frustrates me beyond measure when believers add or take away from what THEY THINK the scripture says! Where does it say, "You need to forgive others, but they have to earn back your trust?" or "Your responsibility is to forgive others but you don't have to keep the relationship the same?"  Many people will come up with the "excuse" for doing what they are doing by saying, "I'm not God. I'm not perfect."  Well, what does Jesus say? "Be ye holy (perfect) as I am holy (perfect)." And thank the Lord that He NEVER tells us to do something that we cannot do! So.....what are the excuses now?

Can you now understand why I am so frustrated when FAMILY members have told me that they forgive me but they REFUSE to even allow me to speak to them nor will they speak to me. I just, as I have expressed earlier, am confounded when a believer can voice the words, "I forgive you" and can truly mean it when there is still malice, anger, and distrust in their hearts. 

I think I have come up with a theory - which will be covered in my next blog. Want a clue? What is the "history" of forgiveness in the life of the individual believer.

Does the Lord ever ask us to do something that we are incapable of doing? Of course not! He knows us so very intimately and each one of us is different from everyone else. Yet too many times in this lifetime we say "I can't." I believe what we are really saying is "I won't." What we must realize is that we will stand before God and be held accountable for every word. (Matthew 12:36)

I think about people who use their personality as an excuse not to sing to the Lord in church. I have known a few who stand stoically, not opening their mouth. They may say they are singing to God in their heart. Really? Seriously? Since when is it okay to hide your candle under a lampstand? I thought the Lord wanted us to shine it on a hill. Doesn't have to look pretty or sound pretty. It just has to be a witness. A testimony. NOT of your quality of voice but of the work of the Lord in your life. Well, I guess if you have nothing to thank God for, you really shouldn't be singing. You probably shouldn't even be in church. BUT WAIT!!!! Seriously? You have NOTHING to thank God for? NOTHING to praise Him for? What does I Thes. 5:16-18 say? And what about Phil. 4:4? I can hear it now..."but it doesn't say we have to do them out loud." "I have an introverted personality and I can't do that." SERIOUSLY?!?!? Put two and two together and get four! PLEASE!  Do you you really think God put you on this earth to keep your mouth shut about the things HE is doing? Speak up - NOT for your sake! Do it because you love the Lord! He doesn't NEED you to do it. He WANTS you to. 

Now before you "introverts" get all worked up and say, "That's easy for you to say," why don't you consider how difficult this life is for us extroverts? I mean, do you hear the stuff that comes out of our mouths sometimes? And what about getting angry? Have you read James 1:19? Oh, my! Don't even get me started on the number of times this mouth has gotten me in hot water! How often do we, as extroverts, somehow take the credit for things happening in our lives instead of showing off God? we just plain fail to point others to the Lord and stand in the limelight, soaking up the attention of those around us?  Do I have the right to say. "That's just the way I am?" I think not! It is downright grueling to control my tongue some days. It's probably as difficult for an introvert to OPEN their mouth as it is for an extrovert to CLOSE theirs. 

My point is this. Living a godly life on this earth is difficult. Trying to praise the Lord through the circumstances is difficult. But as long as we are saying "I can't" we are, in essence, saying "I won't." God has given us all the tools to accomplish the things He would have us to on this earth. He has given us each strengths and weaknesses. We are to surrender the strengths to Him and rely on the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit within us to overcome the weaknesses.  IT is in THAT that we glorify the Lord!

That's all I have to say - FOR NOW,

Petra

I am completely befudled by a phenomenon that I believe is taking place in the Christian community. I am going to label it (because I love labels) "blinders for love." Odd, you say?  Let me explain.

Recently I have been reflecting on a situation that happened three years ago.  I will waive going into too many details, but suffice it to say that I believe I have been done wrong.  I am sure that that other parties invloved feel as if I have done them wrong, but I don't believe that to be the case. Nevertheless, this "wrong" I speak of has slowly seeped in and has caused others, I believe, to be wrong as well. But they put on "blinders for loving" because they refuse to either admit that they are allowing wrong to happen or not admitting that it is wrong to begin with.

Am I being a little vague? I'm sorry. Let me try and explain it another way. I believe that many times a person will see a friend who has been hurt and has fallen in to some kind of sin.  Let's say that sin is rebelion.  If you are that person you now have a very tough choice to make. You can either confront the friend in love and show him the error of his/her way or you can ignore the sin because you value the friendship more. You don't want to risk losing that friendship. If you choose the latter decision, you have put blinders on to the sin in order to save the friendship, for the sake of "love".  But is that a true agape love? Does the Lord care more about restoration to Him or appeasing a person's conscience? 

This is compounded and made even more complicated when the "friend" is actually a relative. We may justify our "blinders" by saying that God created family and that we should forgive and forget.  All true!  But what we fail to remember is that family comes SECOND to Christ.  We do need to forgive, but we are NEVER to overlook sin.  As parents we may fall into that trap when our child does something "foolish."  We wave it off as a childish behavior.  However, we must never wave off sin.  It must be dealt with, even if our child ends up not 'liking' us.  Our children must be taught that obedience to the Lord is the most important characteristic for ANY believer. 

Let me take this a step further...

When we as a family member see another family member sinning against a third family member, our role is to what? Be a friend because that family member may be hurting and alone? Skim over the blantant sin and try to reason it away? Try to find the good and forget the bad? What do any of these accomplish?  Does it restore that family member to Christ? Does it restore the family member to the hurt one?

I wish to say to all of you dear brothers and sisters in Christ who are, in the name of love, putting blinders on to another fellow believer's sin, You will be held accountable in the Lord's eyes. You may think you are doing the right thing by not making waves, but at what cost? Please examine your hearts and see that no relationship is worth losing a soul over. Stop protecting the sinner and stand up for truth. Allow the Lord to be the one to keep relationships in the palm of His hand, restoring them as He deems fit, and you just be obedient.

I know I am on a little bit of a soap box, but today I found out a few things that I simply find horrendous. I discovered that some dear friends and even family members have been knowingly allowing my children to be disrespectful and downright un-Christianlike to me.  I am hurt, yes, but I am more disappointed that these friends and family members value my children's friendship more than they value truth.  They refuse to call sin sin and put it in the forefront of those children's minds. They are walking around with blinders for love.

I only pray that I will not be ashamed of the truth of God's word and boldy proclaim in love that sin is sin and risk losing a friend or even family member.

Am I wrong in my way of thinking?

So, Spring is technically here.  Shouldn't that be more of a question than a statement for most people?  The weather just doesn't know what it wants.  And many people are looking forward to warmer weather because the calendar says it should be so.  I am a hopeless optimist, and I say that spring IS here - even if it is just in my soul!  Because isn't spring a time of rebirth and hope?  Why does the weather have to be warmer in order for us, as children of the Lord, to be in a season of rebirth and hope?

Here's the way I see it.  I can change my habits and thought patterns and the weather can stay just the way it is.  I liken it to when I get all dressed up on a regular day just so I will 'feel' better.  It works!  So change starts on the outside sometimes, like dressing to affect attitude.  And sometimes it starts on the inside, like changing thought patterns .  Either way, "change" is here and it is inevitable.

So, how is that going to manifest itself in my life? Well, first I am going to shift some priorities around.  For a while now I have been putting writing on the back burner so that I could do other things that I THOUGHT needed to get done.  Well, I have come to realize that those other things really weren't important to the Lord, so I am back to writing.  It's coming along slowly, but it is moving forward.   I also am working on changing my lifestyle - or should I say my eating habits.  I am praying that this is not temporary, but a permanent change.  I have a heritage of some health issues that I am determined to avoid, if at all possible.

I would like to challenge you, as well, to possibly facilitate your own "spring" this year and determine what you might need to give rebirth to or what you may have lost hope in and you need to not defer any longer. Because what does the scriptures say about deferred hope? "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12.  

Along with this challenge comes a favor, though.  And I am praying that you will be up for it.  I was wondering if any of you might partner with me in these steps I am taking.  I am needing accountability in my health progress.  Facebook messaging, texting (if you have my number), emailing, or responding to this blog post are all great methods.  Also, I am really excited about my writing and I am needing all the prayers I can get in determining how to most effectively share the things the Lord lays on my heart, whether it be via a novel, a website, this blog, a non-fiction work, or Facebook.  It is imperative that I do what He calls me to do and my desire is to please Him in all things.  So, if you have suggestions, thoughts, or complaints, please "voice" them.  There will come a day (hopefully in the next year) when I will have my book completed and I will need all the support I can get.  

So, HAPPY SPRING EVERYONE!  May your hopes be not delayed and may this be a time of rebirth for you! 

Blessings,
Petra

So a thought occurred to me today that many people who read this blog or who are acquainted with me may not fully understand a serious problem that is occurring in this nation. That problem occurs in many relationships and sometimes it is covered up by partners for the sake of keeping a relationship alive when, in reality, the relationship has some serious problems that must be addressed. It is the root issue as to the reason why I am divorced today.  That problem?  Verbal/Emotional abuse.

About six months ago I purchased a book and found solace in knowing that what I believed to have been happening all along was TRULY a problem and I had not ended a marriage for nothing.   So today I would like to address a few of the tell-tale signs that you are being verbally or emotionally abused.

The bottom line, the abuser, whether verbal or emotional, is having to be in control.  And the abuse can be evident without a word being spoken.  Whether it's by a degrading look, threatening behaviors, obscene gestures, abuse will cut and it painful. 

Verbal abuse is "the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words or of a sharp tone in an attempt to control or dominate another person." (Verbal and Emotional Abuse, June Hunt, p. 13) When a person, male or female, feels the need to make themselves larger in stature, raise their voice or put another person down, this person is exhibiting abusive tendencies.  I was resigned to being dominated in a way that always made me feel I had less worth than I actually had. I didn't know any better. It's very sad that it took leaving to fully understand the depth of the hurt caused immediately and the after-effects caused for years to come.

Here's the thing, and I am vouching for several family members who have also gone through many of the same painful experiences that I have, until you are totally removed from the situation you cannot fully comprehend the situation.  So many, too many women (and a few men) remain in verbally abusive relationships not even being aware that it is considered abuse. And furthermore, when you add on to all of this the aspect of Christianity and trying to incorporate Biblical principles into the mix, we can get quite confused!

So what to do?  Well, I wish someone would have advised me, years ago, to do some soul searching into who I was in Christ, and not factoring in a "significant other." Had I seen how the Lord views me, not base my self-worth on how my husband viewed me, I would have seen that there were many inconsistencies.  I don't have any more answers now than I did over three years ago, I just wish that those still in situations as I was, would be able to more clearly see that their worth in the Lord should be more important to them than trying to live with the verbal abuse of a mere person who must put others down in order to lift themselves up to a level of more importance.

Curious thought -

We all, in our sick, demented and twisted minds want everyone to be and think just like us.

True, we know that is silly when we actually dwell on it, but seriously….wouldn’t it be so much easier in life to have everyone just like us?

I mean, we wouldn’t have to explain ourselves on a consistent basis.

We would never be misunderstood.

It would spare us so much frustration in the fact that others didn’t like what we liked and didn’t like the things that we don’t like.

Why is it that even though we know this can never be, why do we continue to force out beliefs, views, opinions on others, and frustrate ourselves beyond belief?

And let’s look at it from the other side. Who do we allow into our own little belief system and give them access to the control knobs of our views and opinions?

We must be very careful who we conform our system to, because at some point we will be adamantly defending a belief as ours, and we must be sure we have owned it, and not just claimed we own it. Because once we get to the point of defending a point of view, we cannot possibly understand how deep our defensiveness will run into the other person. Are we willing to risk changing another person for a cause we are not totally prepared to own as our own?

Am I the only one that thinks this way? Please tell me "no" because if I am the only one, that makes me what? Crazy?