Have you ever thought about time in increments?  What was the most memorable year in your life?  What about a week?  What was the best day?  What made these times "memorable?" 

I had an interesting week.  Started a new job. trying to remember all sorts of new information. Realizing that my body isn't recovering as quickly to the stresses of a full day.  This week caused me to, in what little down-time I had, think about where I am in my life and what has happened in recent years.  I am coming around to my topic. I am thinking about time.  A four-hour shift can fly by when you are having fun, but when your feet feel as if they are about ready to explode, an hour can DRAG by!

Then I watched a documentary on Italy by Rick Steves again.  I was back in Venice, remembering every step I took, every building I saw, every gondola.....you get the picture.  I did so much when I was there.  Time flew by, literally.  I was only there for 20 hours and 8 of those were spent sleeping.  I bought Venetian glass in Murano, lace in Burano, a beautiful Carnivale mask right outside of Saint Mark's Square, and rode a vaparetto up and down the Grand Canal about six times.  List of things I would do if I had more time are endless!  So when I think about the best 20 hours of my time in Europe, I think of Venice. 

The longest 20 hours of my time in Europe?  The cummulative time I spend in Florence.  It DRAGGED on!  Just not the city for me, I guess.

But let's talk about a longer time frame.  I was married for 23 years and a few times it felt like it dragged on.  But for the most part it flew by...the time I mean.  And there were times within that 23 years that I wished would have lasted longer.  The first years of my children's lives.  Seeing the look in the eyes of my children on Christmas morning.  Hearing, "I love you, Mommy."  Are you "feeling me" here?

The last two years, in some respects, have felt so long!  And I think I know why.  I wasn't "alive", I was just living.  I was going from day to day, week to week, packing, unpacking, paying bills, working, dating occasionally, getting engaged, planning a wedding that fell apart as quickly as it began, and being depressed.  I am exhausted thinking about it all.

THEN...I woke up to life!  I went to Europe, came back to find my Sweetie, moved to KY, got a dream job and am ALIVE!  Now time is flying by!  And I am not so sure I like it.  What am I going to do?

I know I have said this before, but writing sure is good for the soul!  I have been writing now for a few months and the more I write, the more I WANT to write.  It brings out all kinds of emotions in me.  Emotions that I thought I had repressed rather well as well as emotions that I am rather glad to express.

A little over a week ago, I  wrote a full chapter for a book that I want to actually complete.  I have the entire outline completed (Yes, Mr. Wells, I actually learned from your college prep English class!).  I started in the middle though because I was “feeling it.”  And as I finished, the emotion I came away with was that of compassion.  One day I will actually complete the story and you all will be able to read it.  But I saw that we all show compassion in the little things we do.  No matter how much we ourselves are hurting, we are able to show compassion to others.

In a few of the blog posts I have written I have felt sadness.  When I write about loss, of course.  But at the same time I am keenly aware that the more often I “talk” about the sadness, the pain decreases.  And I know that there are some of you out there that are encouraged in your own lives that good can still come out of the pain.

I just now finished another page for YET ANOTHER book.  It, like the first one, was started somewhere in the middle, but as I was writing it tears were pouring down my face.  It is a dream that is so vivid in my mind and my hope so great, that I can almost feel the relief it will be when that dream comes true!  Emotion?  Pure happiness.  Maybe it is this particular dream that keeps me going each day.  (Are you interested in reading this?)

I wrote a little poem to my Muse the other day and I felt love.

I wrote a journal entry and I felt confusion.

I wrote a letter to my daughter and felt frustration.

I write and express myself in so many ways.  It always seems to come across like a balm to my soul.  The positive feelings are reassuring.  The negative ones seem to grow less potent and hurtful.  Moving forward…That’s what writing keeps me doing.

"Good Grief!"  I have heard that phrase so many times in my lifetime, but I am just now truly believing it. "What are you believing, exactly?" You might ask. Well, that grief can be good.  It CAN be. 

When I was in college I remember taking a Psych class in which I was taught the stages of grief: Doubt, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA, as I refer to it).  I prided myself in being able to distinguish which "stage" a person was going through after a loss.  One of my gifts is being able to help, and knowing what I am dealing with gives me a little wisdom in knowing how to be of service.  But when it comes to myself, well, that is a different story.

I have been told that a divorce is a "loss."  The death of a marriage needs to be mourned.  I can understand that. Hopes, dreams, shared memories....those are gone.  Just as if a loved one passes into the next life, those things are gone.  The one left behind must also give up hopes, dreams and shared memories. They must start anew. I must to start anew. 

I recall a time when I doubted that "this" was happening.  "He would never do this."  "It's not going to go through."  "He will change his mind."  "This really isn't happening to me."  "How could a Christian man allow this to happen?"  To tell you the truth, I still have those thoughts.  It's been two years and I still have those thoughts!  So am I still in the doubting stage of grief?  I thought I had moved on.

Then I started getting angry.  Angry at him for do this to our family.  Angry at God for not changing his mind. (After all, He was the only One who could!)  I was even angry at myself for not being able to figure out what I needed to do.  I got angry at him for taking away my children - even though he insists I did it to myself.  There is so much to be angry about.  The anger still lingers there in the back of my mind.  Am I still in THAT stage or have I moved on?

Bargaining...WOW!!! I could stay here forever!  "Lord, if you could give me another chance to show my kids I am a good mom..."  "Lord, if you could let me do this thing all over again..."  Needless to say, I struggle at this stage every day!  But let's move on.

Depression...HA!  Got that one covered.  This stage had me move four times in less than two years, spend more than I had in counselor fees, take a trip to Germany and Italy and had me so blinded I almost made the biggest mistake of my life!  It had me doing things that were nothing like "me".  Moving in with a man I had known all of 3 months and not married to!?!?  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!  So I hope I am past this stage.

And last, but not least, the stage of acceptance.  I have come to completely accept the fact that my marriage to a man of 23 years is over.  Truth be told it was over before it even started.  I was a blind 21-year-old with visions of freedom and no clue!  I have accepted the fact that this man didn't love me.  I am not sure he ever did.  I have accepted that I am 47 and am starting my life all over.  The best thing about this acceptance is that I have the freedom AND the clue now. Life is good!  I accept that!

So, where do I go from here? Right back to where I started Grief is good - as long as it can get me to the point of acceptance.  If I linger in one particular place for too long I will start all over with the process, and that is just a waste of time - I've been there and done that.  I want to move forward - and that is "Good Grief."