Rainbows are special.  There is a feeling of fanciful-ness when one sees a rainbow.  I realize we should feel hopeful every time we see a rainbow, for that was the intent the Lord had for rainbows.  When do rainbows "appear."  Every time it rains, right?  But what if it rains and we see no rainbow.  Does it mean there is none?  No, it just means we aren't looking. 

I believe this to be true in our lives, too.  The Lord sends the rain in our lives, whether it is in the form of  a gentle rain to water our thirsty souls, or a thunderstorm to clear away all the dirt and grime that has accumulated in the dark recesses of our souls.  But no matter the reason the rain comes, there is always hope in the form of a rainbow.  All we need to do is look for it.  And sometimes, in order to see it, we just need to open our eyes!

Lately, I have had a few rainshowers in my life.  A failed relationship was a storm that came at a "bad" time.  But what came of it was a rainbow in the form of a friendship.  I am thankful for the hope it gave me that all relationships are not negative.  I had a thunderstorm in the form of clinical depression descend on my life, but I sat still in my car one day and saw my rainbow in the form of a trip to Europe.  It gives me hope that the Lord has a wonderful plan for my life and despite the mess I make in the mud puddles ofter that rain, He will still bless me and give me the desires of my heart if I wait patiently on Him.

There are some people in my life who cannot understand the actions I have been taking lately, but I do not hold it against them.  They just cannot see my rainbow. They cannot understand the fanciful-ness I am experiencing as I dance and sing under my personal rainbow.

Packing, suitcases, deadlines, paperwork.....the list goes on and on. right now I am seeing traveling a little differently than just throwing a few things together in an overnight bag for a weekend trip close to home. Here I am packing for my first overseas trip!  There is excitement coursing through my body right now.  But at the same time there is a little dread. Will I remember everrything?  I am finding that there are two categories that everything falls into - essentials and non-essentials.  

I take a toothbrush because I will need it every day. It is definitely an essential item.  I will take an umbrella - just in case it rains.  And what about that insect spray that my guidebook highly recommended I take? Will that seal even be broken while I am strolling around the Trevi Fountain on a 95 degree day?  I will not know until it actually happens, will I? I may go the whole month and never have to use it.  It will be bulky and  take up space in my suitcase...valuable space.

So what do we, as Christians, carry with us that are non-essentials that merely weigh us down and do us no good as we journey through life?   What about all the truths we were taught as youngsters that as adults we have come to realize do not apply to us anymore?  Do those "truths" take up so much space in our bags that we don't have room for the actual truths that scriptures teach us...That God forgives! That His love in unconditional. That we are more valuable than ANYTHING in this world.  

For too long I have chosen to believe some of those "truths" from my childhood.  And I should have been listening to the truths that the Word has so loudly spoken to me.  Those old truths had been squeezing out the words I had been needing to claim during the toughest times of my life...."I am loved."  "I am valued."  "And because I am a child of the King, I am a princess."

So I will not pack the "lies" of, "Nobody wants a woman who cannot keep herself nice looking at all times."  Instead, I will pack up the essentials of, "I am a princess and I am valued and loved by my Father no matter WHAT I wear, and whether or not I have a bad day and take it out on someone who is close to me."  So, I am sorry, mom.  I am not going to travel to my new dreams and destinations loaded down with those things you taught me.  They are not essentials in my life and I won't even consider sticking it in a corner of my hot-pink, tiger-striped suitcase!

So here is a challenge to anyone reading this.  Empty that suitcase you have had packed and repack it.  Take out all of the possessions and effects that weigh that suitcase down and are non-essentials.  And put in its place all of the items that truly belong and that you claim.  I am sure that you will find that the new items you place into your bag will not weigh very much.  Want to know how I know that?  "...My burden is light." (Matthew 11:30)

Enjoy your trip to YOUR new dreams and destinations!  You are packed and ready....when do you leave?  I will pray for a safe journey for you.

Self - consciousness.  What do I believe about myself?  I cannot remember a single day of my life going by when I do not think about one of the following questions: "Are my eyes too puffy?" "How much weight have I gained?"  "Where did that grey hair come from?"  "Will anyone really care if I shave my legs?"   "Will my cellulite show if I wear this skirt?" 

I, like most women in the United States, listen to everything the world tells me.  I guess if I really think about that statement, I would see that this is an aweful way to live life!  That is a lot of unnessary stress to take on.  Who can actually live up to the standards "the world" demands?  Not even the most famous of people can live life like that!  They have people surrounding them constantly so they will look "perfect" for a select few people.  Who are they trying to impress?

More importantly, who am I trying to impress?  Am I trying to impress or just get by without criticism?  Or maybe both?  Am I really looking at the most important things in life?  Does my grey hair really matter in the scheme of this life that I am living?  Do my puffy eyes reveal more than just the fact that I didn't get enough sleep?  Do my unshaved legs reflect anything other than I was too lazy to get the razor out that day? 

What would happen if I woke up one day and did NOT concern myself with any of those niggling questions I normally ask?

Instead of looking at the puffy eyes, I would don a pair of wonderful "Jackie-O" sunglasses and look fashionably stylish - almost like Sarah Jessica Parker!  Instead of thinking about the weight I may have gained because I spent a week eating WAY TOO MUCH PASTA, dreaming of and preparing for my trip to Italy, I will spend a day shopping for "new" clothes at the Goodwill store before I fly to arguably the most beautiful country in the world (at least for me).  Instead of worrying about how that grey hair is such a stark contrast to my dark crop of hair, I will add a beautiful floppy hat, which will make a glorious addition to those glasses!  Instead of thinking about my laze-faire attitude during my grooming time (foregoing the shaving of the legs), I will put on one of those maxi skirts I will have purchased and it will just cover them!  And as far as that cellulite is concerned?  Well that will be with me forever, so I will just find a man who can appreciate it along with all of the other curves that come along with it.

Sound like a plan?

So come on, life!  Bring it on!  I know that I can have fun with you no matter what you throw at me. I choose to make lemonade from the what the world may call "lemons."  I will accept the way I am and choose to listen to the ones who will do the same.  For those who nay-say the "me" I have become...."sorry".  You have no influence in my life anymore!

I think there comes a time in every woman's life where she discovers her own voice.  Unfortunately that time doesn't always come before she finds wisdom to actually use her voice.

I remember the day I used my voice for the first time (before I learned how to actually use it effectively). I turned 40 THAT DAY and while dining with some friends at lunch I thoroughly embarrassed the waitress, as well as my friends, by commenting that her size made me want to vomit.  (I was trying to express that her being skinny and being able to squeeze through a 3-inch space made me want to get sick because I couldn't look like that.) Looking back, at the time I thought it was funny and after explaining my comment to everyone, they all had a good laugh.  However, I realize that I should have been WAY more sensitive. 

Today, six years later, I recall when I used my voice and felt completely secure in it.  When my life plan became so clear I couldn't help but tell someone.  I was confident, assured and totally uninhibited.  It was freeing to express my heart like that!  I finally have a totally positive outlook on my life.  This freedom comes at a price, however.  I separates me from those who have come to know and love the past Petra.  I am sorry for those losses, I truly am.  I am sure that they see me as Daffy, in this picture - negatively.

But the choice I make is to be that SAME duck - only with a positive spin.  I love my life (positive). I am going through some major life changes (which some view as mental). And I am expressing my voice with confidence and authority (which may be construed as having an attitude). But the bottom line is....I have a voice and for the first time in my life I am not afraid to use it!

Too many questions cause a person to doubt - doubt their own "truth". This truth is what they build their entire life on.  In a person's life, if they have not truth to build on, they will be sure to crumble when the first raindrop hits them.

So how do we get to the point where we can actually enjoy the rain and not crumble with each drop of water that hits us?  We start at the beginning....answer those questions.  Eventually we will begin to find our truth and build our life to where we KNEW it was all along - deep down in the recesses of our soul.  But this process is not easy and it is not quick.  It takes time and patience. Because sometimes the answer to one question draws out yet another question.

In my own life, after my world crashed around me two years ago.  I am just now understanding that my life and my truth are still there.  They were just covered by those menacing storm clouds.  So now, I am working on getting those questions answered.  "How does a wife of 23 years become an enemy?"  "How does a man choose to favor his children above the woman he chose to honor and cherish no matter what?"  "How can a child just 'disown' a mother who has given her everything for that child?" 

I may never have the answers to these and so many more questions, but I know that just recognizing them give me the vision to see beyond the questions to actually seek the truth.  The truth for me is this: "I am a woman who has faults and flaws, but is cherished and loved immensely by the One Who created her.  I am worthy of more than what I have been given.  I am capable of changing my world, given a chance and wings.  I can choose to look beyond the hurt and pain I have suffered to a bright an beautiful future."

So, today, I will choose to look beyond the storm clouds of unanswered questions, and dance in the rain of my truth - that I am a beautiful princess....the daughter of the KING!

The time I have spent in reflection has been sweet.  I am getting out of the funk with the help of a few friends who keep me focused.  Thank you - you know who you are!

Some of you may be wondering, "So what's getting you going?" I am so glad you asked!  I trip of  a lifetime....that's my resurrection.  I am going to Europe for a month.  I will spend a few weeks visiting my relatives in Germany.  This time will be so calming and reflective.  I anticipate so many recollections of days gone by.  My childhood was spent in Germany with all of these people and I am anxious to see how their influences have shaped my life.

I also am going to to doing some research for a book that I have started writing.  The area where my mother and her family grew up is special because it influenced not only her and her family, but it also made me the woman I am today because of the strength and fortitude my mom has displayed through all of the difficulties life has thrown at her.

Then I will delve into my deepest passion of Italy.  I will explore my love of food, Tuscany, history, and oh, did I mention food?  I have waited far too long to discover whether or not Italy is my destiny or if it is part of my journey to my destiny.  I will come home and let you know.

For now, my dear friends, I will bid you "Tschuss" until I have more details or until I have some more pictures and videos to share with you.

Petra

Recently I was told by more than one person that I was headed for "Clinical Depression."  This was not something I care to hear.  I don't want to be one of those people who keeps asking the questions and never having the answers.  I don't want to be one of those women who are accused of letting their emotions control them.  I don't want to be one of those people that people look and and think, "She used to be so fun and happy.  Whatever happened to her?"

That's why I made some changes - good for me, confusing for others.  I rather like the "New me" that I am resurrecting.  I will explain these changes coming weeks and months.

"Intestinal Fortitude" is a phrase I despise because my ex-husband would use it incessantly.  But in this particular case it seems befitting.  This is what is getting me through each hour.  It is the strength I get when I reach deep down and call on that "something" that can make me ignore the stressors and focus on the joy.  It is that gumption that can be found only when I ignore all everyone around me and focus on that still, small voice that says, "Trust Me.  I know what We are doing and it will work because I have you in the palm of My hand."

So, for now, my dear ex-husband, wherever you may be, thank you for reminding me that I can live this life without you!  I am looking forward to the next 25 years with exhuberation and gratitude that I have not felt since before I knew you.

With future anticipation,

Petra